


Tuition

by avidita



Series: Tuition [1]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, BDSM, Bad BDSM Etiquette, Dubious Consent, Groundhog Day, M/M, OOC for plot reasons, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Sex Pollen, Time Loop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-02
Updated: 2014-11-08
Packaged: 2018-02-23 21:24:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 31,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2556203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/avidita/pseuds/avidita
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aliens hit the Enterprise with a time loop and several crew members with sex pollen. Jim takes the opportunity to get the afflicted dom!McCoy into bed, who doesn't react well... but since Jim is the only one remembering the loops, he gets a do-over. Now, if he could only figure out a way to save his ship and crew...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Day One

**Author's Note:**

> Jim is quite OOC in this. It's a bit of an exploration of what one could do with the worst possible interpretation of horny, selfish, manipulative Kirk.
> 
> Beta-ed by the most awesome [malo_malo](http://malo-malo.livejournal.com/) and [culurien](http://culurien.livejournal.com/)!

He was already running down the corridor to the bridge, one hand still fastening his trousers, the other fumbling with his yellow shirt, before his mind had a chance to wake up.  
  
  
They were on red alert, and the sound that had woken him up completely had been the communications officer calling the alpha shift crew to the bridge. Jim didn't even know the time. Alpha shift started at 0700, and he didn't feel too tired, so he'd guess it was around 0400, maybe even 0500.  
  
  
His breath hissed through his teeth as the bruises from last night's training session with Sulu woke up, too. He'd just been distracted for a brief moment, and Sulu nearly hadn't been able to stop apologizing afterwards, but it had still been one of the hardest throws he'd ever experienced. And after Spock that one time and the Narada after that, that was actually saying a lot.  
  
  
So he tried to hold his side stealthily as the door to the bridge hissed open. Behind him hard boot steps heralded the arrival of Spock, who had quite obviously not slept in his own quarters. Sulu jumped up from the Captain's chair and called "Captain on the bridge!" He did a fine job hiding his wince when he saw Jim’s hand at his side, but Jim still instantly forced himself to relax.  
  
  
Uhura was only a few steps behind Spock, completing the alpha shift bridge crew. Commander Tionne saluted and reported what could easily be seen on the main window.  
  
"Captain, this vessel appeared three minutes ago and immediately opened fire. We have the shields up, started evasive maneuvers, and we've been trying to hail them. Since they have not fired a second time, and the impact of the first shot did not do any apparent damage-"  
  
  
Jim lifted a hand. "Wait, wait. 'Appeared'?"  
  
Tionne shifted his weight. Even though gamma shift captaincy was often perceived as some kind of punishment, as the really bad shit always happened then, they had talked through a lot of possible scenarios, and Jim knew the man was highly competent.  
  
The Commander took a deep breath, glanced at the curious ship out there and stated, "They seem to have visibility shields, Captain, we've-"  
  
"Yeah, alright, next question. Their shot  _hit_  us?"  
  
"... yes."  
  
"But didn't do anything." Jim lifted an eyebrow at him.  
  
  
Spock had just relieved his gamma colleague: the replacement of gamma shift crew with the alpha crew proceeded whenever a station could afford a slip in concentration for a few seconds.   
  
Spock said: "I also highly doubt that, Captain. If their shield technology is that highly advanced-"  
  
"Try to find out what the purpose of that shot was, since apparently 'damage' wasn't it!"  
  
  
Tionne lifted his chin a little bit and said, "We were on that, Captain."  
  
"I don't doubt that." Jim threw him an apologetic smile. "We're just not all that used to emergency briefings, and I'm highly impatient. Skip the obvious, Ben."  
  
Tionne's answering smile was tight but honest.  
  
"They’re emitting some strange kind of wave: Science's best guess is some kind of sensor. And they changed their trajectory, seems to be the standard non-threatening kind of maneuver."  
  
Jim squinted at the monitor and asked, "How big is this ship?"  
  
"About three times as big as we are, sir."  
  
Jim blinked at Tionne.  
  
"...alright. Keep near comm units and get some rest. Thank you, Commander, dismissed."  
  
Tionne saluted and walked to the door. Jim’s sharp glance registered his considerably relaxed posture and the proud stiffness of his shoulders. The crewman obviously felt that he had done a good job. Jim let him slip from his mind with a tiny, satisfied nod. He was getting better at this captaining thing.  
  
"Lt. Uhura, are we still hailing them?" He sat down and called up some more stations' views to his smaller, personal monitors.  
  
"Yes, Captain. No reaction to any known language. I am trying pictures now."  
  
Spock sent a few technical findings from his station to the main window. Weapon arrays, shield chargers, hull openings for shuttles or similar small vessels gained written labels.  
  
Chekov's low voice reported that all standard evasion and attack maneuvers had been calculated, as well as transporter and shuttle coordinates to the nearest inhabitable planet, in case of emergency evacuation or diplomatic meeting.  
  
Sulu reported that all weapons systems were ready for action and the shields at 100% in an equally unobtrusive pitch.  
  
  
Jim’s fingers drummed silently on his armrest.  
  
He glanced over the communicational pictures that Uhura was sending out and kept track of Spock and the science crew scrambling to explain the strange shot that had gotten them.  
  
  
"Captain, they're sending something back: it’s one of our pictures, altered!"  
  
Uhura threw it onto the main monitor and for a moment nearly everyone stared at it. Part of the original picture was unaltered: a human, a Vulcan, an Andorian and a Tellarite had their right hands raised in greeting. But the humanoid with the long snout and big, long hand was new. It had its hand raised in greeting like the others, stood just a little apart, and above them there was some kind of visual coordinates system.  
  
  
Chekov was already typing away furiously and exclaimed, "Keptin, zey mean ze nearest inhabitable planet!"  
  
"Sure about that?" Jim mumbled.  
  
He was already planning the team to go there and meet up.  
  
"Aye, Keptin!"  
  
Jim glanced at Uhura, who nodded slowly, then at Spock, who tilted his head in subtle, but apparent, dislike.  
  
"Alright then! Spock, the bridge is yours! Uhura, you're coming." He punched in to the sickbay and called McCoy to the transporter room to accompany the away team. Without waiting for his grumbling to be done, he called security.  
  
"Send three men to go with us." Spock didn't make a sound, but still managed to convey his displeasure, so Jim sighed, "Uh, make that six men. Thanks."  
  
He threw a heavy glance at Spock’s back, who just tilted his head again in something like gratitude. At least, that was what Jim chose to believe.  
Then they were off.  
  
  
  
  
The aliens looked like a bastard mix of dogs and alligators. They were at least a head taller than Cupcake, who was doing a marvelous job of trying not to appear intimidated.  
  
Jim found it hard to stop looking at those teeth.  
  
His team stopped at a decent distance and lifted their hands in greeting, just like the token greeting picture. There were only five of the aliens, so at least Jim's team had the benefit of numbers. They mirrored their gesture, and then they appeared to start talking.  
  
Jim scrunched up his face and leaned a bit forward.  
  
"What was that?"  
  
  
Uhura was looking at her tricorder.  
  
"Captain, I believe they might be telepathic, as they don’t seem to be emitting any sound."  
  
Jim stiffened up a bit, somehow insulted that another species besides the Vulcans had gotten this nice bit of genetic equipment.  
  
"Oh, great. What do we do?"  
  
The others did their communication thing again, and Jim somehow knew that they were asking a question, a pretty general one, if Jim was guessing correctly. So he said, loudly and slowly, concentrating on every word, "We are here to make contact with new possible friends! Would you like to be one of our new friends?"  
  
  
Someone snorted behind him, but Uhura curtly nodded, so Jim felt justified.  
  
  
The others shifted their weight a few times. Their next question was a bit more concrete, laden with a touch of disrespect and indifference. Jim blinked and mumbled, "Lieutenant, were they just asking why they should be interested in joining the Federation?"  
  
She nodded again.  
  
"That would be my guess, too, Captain, but note that we are in fact guessing."  
  
Jim nodded a few times and, making sure to clearly articulate every word, said, "We can learn from each other! New things!" Then he mumbled, "Jesus, maybe you should take over."  
  
She just glanced at him but did not move from her position behind his right shoulder.  
  
"That might send some signal to them that could lead to confusion," she whispered, and he could clearly hear her reprimand for having started this conversation without her.  
  
  
Bones was standing at his left side and a bit behind him, too, getting as much information with his tricorder as he could. He grumbled, "You sound fine to me, Jim, just keep going."  
  
In that moment Uhura’s comm made a tiny sound, and she touched her earpiece. "Captain, the other ship has fired across our bow."  
  
  
Jim immediately put his comm to his ear and asked Spock to report. The security team drew their weapons.  
  
Spock’s voice was very calm and maybe even a touch amused.  
  
"Captain, that torpedo was very weak. If that was an attempt to threaten us, it failed abysmally. It was ejected from one of the main weapons arrays. It might be a trap, to lead us to underestimate them."  
  
Jim nodded a few times and shrugged.  
  
"Noted. Shoot across their bow. One torpedo."  
  
He scowled at their delegation and tried to send his disapproval.  
  
  
They could all see the moment the torpedo of the Enterprise detonated, because the alien delegation flinched at exactly the same second. Spock hesitated a moment and reported, "Captain, the torpedo was fired, detonated, was not hindered by any shield whatsoever and apparently did some damage."  
  
"Dammit, I said across the bow!"  
  
"It did not hit, Captain. It must have been shrapnel from the detonation. We are estimating their damage as we speak."  
  
  
The delegation was sending a kind of surprised horror, tinged with disbelief, and then very clear revulsion that seemed centered at Jim.  
  
He threw a questioning look at Uhura, who was still staring at the aliens with apprehension.  
  
  
"Yeah!" Jim exclaimed. "So apparently we have the better weapons! Still don't want to learn from us?"  
  
The next emission from the aliens was sharp and nearly completely understandable: Jim as something uncivilized, brutal and completely lacking any self-awareness, but wielding powerful tools of destruction.  
  
The aliens as some kind of self-acclaimed tutors, who would teach Jim a lesson.  
  
  
Jim snorted.  
  
"Yeeeaaah- I don't think so." He lifted a hand to greet them again, this time for a goodbye and turned his head to Uhura again.  
  
That was why he didn't see the foremost alien shoot something blue and white hot at him. The security men immediately opened fire, even though their phasers were still set to stun, and McCoy did a completely stupid thing and jerked Jim back, simultaneously jumping in front of him.  
  
  
He couldn't really follow the next few moments. This white-blue shot had not hurt, per se, hadn't wounded him, but somehow everything felt sharper, seemed to be cast into harsh contrasts, and there were echoes of the voices of his crew...   
  
Bones telling him in a very small voice, "I just lost it."  
  
Uhura sobbing violently and then suddenly snarling, "You stupid slut!"  
  
And Spock’s voice, nearly warm, "I shall remain, now and forever, your friend."  
  
The sound of the hull of the Enterprise breaching, Chekov screaming in rage, Sulu trying to whisper through too much blood...  
  
And Bones again.  
  
"God, Jim, so sorry..."  
  
  
Jim gasped, trying to start breathing again, surrounded by too much movement. Uhura was very near, trying to get him to report his status, McCoy was barking at Cupcake to keep one of those goddamn motherfuckers alive, and while Jim found Uhura’s big brown eyes to keep himself grounded in the then and there, he heard them whispering in his mind.  
  
 _You will either learn respect... or perish._  
  
All around Jim the world swirled into transporter lights, but right in that moment, he heard Bones yell a shocked curse.   
  
There was a security and a medic team waiting for them in the transporter room, and before Jim could even order someone to do so, Cupcake caught McCoy, who was still yelling and clawing at his face, while medics immediately jumped on the platform and started to examine them.  
  
  
"I'm fine! Bones? Bones, status?"  
  
Uhura helped him up: his knees were still a little weak. Bones yelled, "The damn dogs threw something at me! It got into my eyes! I'm BLIND!"  
  
Nurse Chapel was kneeling at his side and clucking her tongue.  
  
"Stop panicking, Leonard, you're not blind. It seems to be some kind of hallucinogenic drug."  
  
Bones started to curse a blue streak, but Chapel’s calm look had done wonders to Jim’s nerves.   
  
  
He jogged back to the bridge, Uhura hot on his heels. And he would have gotten there without losing his balance, had not something hit the Enterprise while they were still running. Both of them tumbled to the floor, this time Jim helped Uhura back up and they were running again.  
  
  
The bridge was calm, everyone cool and collected, but very, very busy. Spock nodded at them, ceded conn and reported, "They are shooting at us with everything they have, which is comparatively little. They also emitted some kind of energy burst that has reduced our main energy core output by 85%."  
  
Jim gazed at the main window and deliberated over the decision for one long moment. Then he ordered Sulu to fire.  
  
  
The alien ship went up in silent flames and explosions, and though Jim gave the order to search for survivors, he didn't have much hope.  
  
This had gone horribly wrong.  
  
  
  
  
Of course they had a long, detailed debriefing, throwing around theories and ideas. Uhura gave a calm but, nonetheless, harsh critique of Jim's decision while on the planet. Spock and two of his science officers – Beckman with the pretty blue eyes and golden blonde hair and di Gliani with the soft lips – had a complete account of their sensor readings and scientific finds, which still gave them all pretty much nothing at all. Chekov mumbled his general dislike of the new species, which had somehow been named the "Dogators," Sulu spoke out to give an urgent priority to finding out the nature of those energy emissions and especially the one that first hit.  
  
Jim didn't say very much, listened carefully, disbanded the meeting and went to the medbay.  
  
  
Bones was okay, although he was still drugged to the gills. Chapel was obviously very annoyed with him.  
  
"Captain, he’s trying to pull rank to be able to go back to his quarters."  
  
Bones lifted his eyebrows a tad and looked at Jim beseechingly.   
  
Jim snorted.  
  
"What now, puppy dog eyes? Directed at the master of all puppy looks?"  
  
Bones huffed and grumbled, "I just want my own bed."  
  
"Captain, his hormones are all over the scale, his senses are abnormally heightened and we don’t know what else the drug will do to him. His brain scan is showing reactions not unlike those of LSD influence, and-"  
  
Jim lifted a hand.  
  
"Thank you, I get the picture. Bones, just sleep here. You do that every other day anyway."  
  
It was a little bit adorable how he grimaced and mumbled, "I want to go home. I don't want anyone to watch me."  
  
Jim shared a look with Chapel and nodded.  
  
"Alright, I'll take you home."  
  
She pointed at one of the cameras near the bed and lifted an eyebrow. Bones was working at standing up from the bed, murmuring to himself, and Jim nodded at her.  
  
They just couldn’t leave him unwatched in this state. But she could watch him while he slept in his own bed.  
  
  
  
  
Having Bones hanging at his side, one arm thrown over his shoulder and muttering dark thoughts at the world in general was not a new thing: they had gone out to parties now and again in their academy days, and Bones was a hard and, sadly, also a morose drinker.  
  
"Jim, those goddamn dogs, they shot at you, we should have killed them..."  
  
"We did," Jim said, trying to type in Bones' code without jostling him too much. The guy quite obviously still worked out like he had started in San Francisco, and he was really heavy. Jim could feel all hard muscle and drugged heat.  
  
  
"Yeah, we did, didn't we? What's another genocide, right?" Bones scoffed. His warm, big hand gripped Jim’s neck, which had always been very sensitive. Bones' skin was silky soft from all the disinfectant washing. "Goddamn Federation. I should never have come here. Never have enlisted..."  
  
Jim swallowed and tried to muster up some cheer.  
  
"Now, I would have missed you, and anyway, it's pretty unlikely that those were the last of their kind, you know?"  
  
  
"Shot at you." Bones tugged him nearer and put his nose behind Jim’s ear. "Shot you," he whispered.  
  
"Yeah, didn't do anything to me, though."  
  
"Nothing does nothing, Jim." He had to let go while Jim maneuvered them through the door, but as soon as they had his strong hand pulled at Jim’s neck again. "Who knows? You'll probably die while I sleep, goddammit, they drugged me, and now I'm going to lose you and-"  
  
"Stop being such a drama queen, Bones." Jim freed himself from Bones’ grip and moved him in the general direction of his bed.  
  
Bones’ stare grew indignant, and he bristled, "Drama queen!"  
  
Jim let him fall onto his bed and started to take off his boots. Bones chuckled at that.  
  
"Oh Jesus, Jim, you really shouldn't."  
  
He sat up and put one hand in Jim’s hair.  
  
"Reeeaaally shouldn't tempt me like that. You like doing boot service?"  
  
Jim blinked at him and completely froze.  
  
"Umm, what?"  
  
Bones lifted one corner of his mouth, which really should not have looked so attractive.  
  
  
"I heard how good a cocksucker you were in San Fran. But I bet nobody treated you right. And I bet it's even harder now that you're Captain..."  
  
"Liiiiisten Bones, I'll just let you sleep it off now..."  
  
Jim stood up and stared down at Bones, who fell back again, stretching languidly. He'd had some guys, yes, and he'd done quite a few blowjobs, but nothing really serious, and somehow Bones radiated some kind of... danger.  
  
"That," Bones mumbled calmly, "must have been an aphrodisiac, and a powerful one, I think. See, I really want to fuck you. Hard." Bones frowned and glanced at Jim’s lips. "And some other stuff. Have for a looong, long time, but I wouldn't ever have told you... skittish Jimmy boy..."  
  
Jim took a step back and swallowed. He stared at Bones for a second and turned without another word to leave the room.  
  
  
He stood a long moment in the corridor, his heart hammering in his chest. For a come-on it had been pretty weak, and though Bones was big and strong and ruggedly attractive, he wasn't really Jim's type. And drugged, which was not much of a turn-on. But there had been something in there... some kind of thrill that had pulled like a siren...  
  
Jim shook his head and went to talk Chapel into letting him watch his best friend for the rest of the night, before she, trusted though she was, became privy to even more well-kept secrets of Leonard McCoy.  
  
  
  
  
Hours later an Ensign had had a horrible accident down in Engineering, resulting in the loss of both of his eyes, the engine core was up to 30% energy output, which was not enough for anything even resembling warp, and the Enterprise had a whole hangar full of debris from the Dogators' ship, even some frozen corpses.  
  
Chekov tried to get Scotty and Spock to consider his theory of the energy impulses from the alien ship having something to do with space time or something, Jim didn't quite get it, and Uhura got to him in the corridors after dinner and apologized.  
  
"I went over all the video coverage we have, collected all the impressions the members of the away team had received and came to the conclusion that we most probably could not have handled this in any way that would have resulted in a different outcome."  
  
Jim stopped dead in his tracks.  
  
"So I didn't do anything wrong."  
  
"... you didn't. And my critique during the meeting was premature and rash."  
  
"Not to say unkind!"  
  
"Yes, well. But, Captain, it seems that the one thing that was the deciding factor for the aliens was your character, or at least their impression of it."  
  
"So I didn't  _do_  anything wrong. I just  _am_  wrong."  
  
"Who knows their criteria, but yes, apparently they took offense."  
  
Jim was silent for a long enough moment for her to lift an eyebrow, Spock-style.  
  
"Apology accepted, Lieutenant."  
  
Her lips tightened for a moment, and then she walked on.  
  
  
Jim did not think too highly of himself. Of course he was brilliant. Born to be the Captain of the Enterprise, hero of countless missions, and a demi-god in bed.  
  
But still, he could understand the aliens thinking him flawed.  
  
He had no real personal morals or conscience, treated sex wrong, probably, and his partners just as wrongly, seemed to be unable to build up the easy friendship Spock Prime had hinted at, and was very, very selfish. He knew all that.  
  
Right after the last meeting of alpha shift, he went to Bones' quarters, messaged Chapel to stop the babysitting, got a report about how the doctor had slept, eaten, and slept some more, although quite fitfully.  
  
And then he went inside, overrode the cameras and started to strip. He was not going to pass up a chance of promising sex with a caring and sexy guy, with a side dish of some magic thrill waiting here. Regardless of how much his heart was racing and how many alarm bells were shrilling. This was what feeling alive felt like.  
  
  
Bones was lying on his back, his mouth hanging open, a frown marring his face. Jim put his hands on his hips and admired the view. Bones was still in his uniform, there was a dark shadow of stubble on his face, and he was sprawling, not posing. Jim was still scolding himself for having ignored those strong shoulders and long legs for so long. Then he knelt at the side of the bed and tried to open Bones' pants without waking him up.  
  
  
Bones had already been half erect, which seemed to prove his own theory and Chapel’s finds about aphrodisiacs in the drug mix the aliens had gifted him with. Either his cock was really warm or Jim’s hands a bit cold, but it didn't take much to bring him to a full erection. Bones just sighed a little but didn't wake up.  
  
  
The lights were very low, but Jim's eyes were adjusting. He could smell the man's aftershave and the comfortable scent of someone else's warm bed.  
  
  
Jim crawled half on top of the mattress, took him into his hand again and put his lips softly over the glands, letting the heat and wetness work a little. Then he put his tongue into the game, swirling, licking, sucking softly.  
  
  
With a strained sound Bones woke up and immediately had a hand buried in Jim’s hair, pulling him off. His dark eyes glittered in the near darkness: his breath came in labored bursts. Jim had frozen, his throat exposed, his wet, dark lips wide open. They locked eyes for a moment, then one corner of Jim's mouth went up, and he licked his still open mouth.  
  
  
Bones snarled something, took Jim’s head in both hands and pulled him down again. Jim had to catch his weight on both arms, each on one side of Bones' hips, while the doctor controlled the blowjob from then on.   
  
  
Jim had always been a thrill rider, so he just took the brutal way Bones crammed his cock deep into Jim’s throat, quashed his impulse to laugh as well as the instinct to retch, tried to keep his teeth covered with his lips and didn't do anything against all the drooling.  
  
  
Bones cursed and panted and pushed him down again and again, keeping him pressed against his body while he suddenly came, shuddering and letting go of a tiny wail. He caught his breath for a second. Then he wrenched Jim away, shoving him from the bed.  
  
  
The rough carpet didn't do anything for Jim's butt as he hit the floor, and his voice was a little breathless, roughened up from the blowjob, and he couldn't contain a laugh.  
  
"Jesus, Bones, it's alright!"  
  
"It's NOT! I'm drugged, asshole, how dare you!"  
  
  
Bones struggled into a sitting position and glared down at him. Jim could feel his chin itching a bit and licked his lips. He was reclining on his lower arms, his own erection pointing proudly upwards.  
  
"Oh come on, Bones, it's all good, clean fun!"  
  
Suddenly the doctor was standing above him, grabbing his hair and pulling him up.  
  
"It's McCoy, asshole, only friends get to call me Bones!"  
  
  
Jim was laughing again. He kind of liked how rough his voice sounded. What was the word? Debauched, maybe. Quite sexy.  
  
"Ouch, harsh, Bones! I just sucked your cock, you should be happy, not angry!"  
  
Bones snarled a long curse, threw Jim half on top of his desk and gripped his neck again to hold him down. Jim's own hands instantly grasped for the edge to keep his erection from being smashed into it.   
  
He licked his lips again, ignoring the cold dread forming in his lower stomach.  
  
  
"Happy, you little fucker! You unbelievable fucking slut! And to think I thought you were a good guy!"  
  
"I am! I'm even brilliant, especially at cocksucking, right?"  
  
Jim wanted to hear his own husky laugh again, but it got stuck in his throat as Bones just kicked his legs apart and started to massage his anus.  
  
Then he swore silently and let go of him.  
  
  
"Stay like you are, legs spread like the bitch in heat you are!"  
  
Jim chuckled, "Yes, sir!"  
  
Somehow that did not please Bones in the slightest and he hit Jim's buttocks surprisingly hard.  
  
"Shit, Bones!"  
  
"SHUT UP! And stop trying to play me, you animal! Just SHUT UP!"  
  
Jim swallowed and blinked at the beige wall in front of him. All right, Bones was really mad. He'd have to be nice to him in the following days. Maybe more blowjobs would do the trick.  
  
  
A moment later cold, slick fingers massaged his entry again and Jim grinned happily. This was going pretty well, he thought.   
  
Both fingers were crammed in at the same time, which was a little much, but not really too much, so he groaned appreciatively.  
  
"Yeah," mumbled Bones. "I just bet you kept on searching for someone to tame you, treat you right. But everyone is always blinded by that stupid grin..."  
  
  
Jim had a bit of a hard time concentrating, and it felt like seconds later when Bones’ new erection was pressing against his slick anus. Bless this alien drug.  
  
Right, Jim thought, pushing out and relaxing always helped, so he closed his eyes and concentrated on that. Bones didn't really give him time to open up but just pushed inside, immediately starting to move.  
  
  
It was just this side of painful, not hurting at all, but an exciting demonstration of power and strength. Jim bit his lower lip and moaned deep in his throat. Bones groaned now, too, one hand gripping Jim's neck again, the other pushing down on the small of his back. Jim had to stand on tiptoes to rescue his own erection from the hard edge of the desk. It ducked into his upper thighs like that, but that was all right. It would probably even leave sexy marks.  
  
Bones was pushing his neck down so hard that Jim's cheek was pressed into the desk. And he was humping in a purely animalistic, hard rhythm that made Jims eyes roll back and his mouth hang open, panting and moaning without any restraint.  
  
Bones snarled, "You like being fucked like that, huh? Like me to use your nice little hole? Is that what you want? Are you good for nothing else, huh? Feel safe now, do you?"  
  
He cursed again and his thrusts grew even harder.  
  
"Will you come on my cock, slut, just like that? Just from having blown me and being fucked, will you?"  
  
  
Jim gasped for breath and lifted one corner of his mouth in helpless amusement. Yes, he probably would, in just a few moments. Good thing he had no shame in bed anyway. And how nice to know that Bones really seemed to dig that.  
  
  
Seconds before Jim's enormous inner heat could explode all over the desk, Bones shot his load inside of him. Which was a great feeling all in itself, but not enough to push him over.  
  
His legs were trembling while Bones caught his breath again and then slowly pulled out.  
  
One thumb pressed against Jim’s used hole, while the other hand still kept his neck pressed down.  
  
  
"Now look at that," mumbled Bones. "You like how that feels?"  
  
It only took him fingering Jim's hole a moment longer and Jim began to beg.  
  
"Jesus, Bones, please! Pleaseplease let me come?"  
  
Bones took his hand away from him and huffed.  
  
"I'm not restraining you. Jerk off, if you need to."  
  
Jim nearly melted down from the desk, turning around until he sat on the floor again, his back leaning heavily against the desk. He pulled up one knee, slowly started to pump his erection while fingering his hole with the other hand. His mouth was a tad open again, and Bones, who had just put his own cock away and was fully clothed again, stared at him with a dark intensity that was making everything so much more exciting.  
  
  
Jim's whole body was straining against floor and desk, his head thrown back, his mouth open and panting. Bones seemed to be pulled to him, coming to stand right above him, grabbing his chin and forcing his thumb into Jim's mouth.  
  
Jim's gaze lost focus, while he started to suck Bones' finger and came harder than he ever had in his life.  
  
  
Bones just stared at him, grimaced and took a step back.  
  
"Goddammit, Jim. Now tell me, how will I ever be able to respect you again."  
  
Jim frowned and tried to get his trembling under control to stand up.  
  
"Now wait a second. Just because I like sex-"  
  
"This wasn't about liking sex. This was about some kind of inner emptiness on your part, and me being an easy, nice substitute for something. I'm not an idiot. And you, Jim... it's not that you have no shame. You have no self-respect."  
  
Jim was slowly starting to become a little irritated, leaning heavily onto the desk, still stark naked, and, well, dripping.  
  
  
"Oh come on! Says the guy who loved every second of me being his bitch!"  
  
Bones gaze fell away from Jim’s face. He grimaced again; it looked like he was in pain.  
  
"I would have  _loved_  to have you. But you didn't give anything tonight, Jim. You just used."  
  
  
Jim blinked at him. The feeling of dread was back again. This here was the one person who knew him best in the whole world.  
  
Jim croaked with a tiny voice, "...what?"  
  
  
Bones found Jim's clothes and picked them up, moving like a very old man. His voice sounded so tired.  
  
"You didn't ask for my consent, and I was drugged. There's an ugly word for something like that, you know?"  
  
"What, no, I-"  
  
"And yes, you have a very good instinct in bed, you know exactly what your partner likes. But you know what, making the other one come, even as hard as you did me, doesn't make it anything other than-"  
  
"NO!"  
  
Bones looked at him, calmly, threw him his clothing and mumbled, "Get dressed and get out."  
  
  
Jim was trembling again, but from a very, very different cause, this time.  
  
"Bones... Bones please, I just thought, you said you wanted to, I didn't think-"  
  
"Yes, I believe that. You didn’t think."  
  
He didn't make any attempt to dress again, just tried to prevent this horrible catastrophe from developing any further.  
  
"No, wait, you  _said_  you wanted to fuck me, and-"  
  
"AND I WAS DRUGGED! GET OUT!"  
  
  
Jim was breathing heavily, staring at his best friend with big eyes and the tiny frown of complete incomprehension.  
  
Then he shook out his clothes and slowly, methodically started to put them on. Bones went to the bathroom to wash his hands, but left the door open. Jim cleared his throat and croaked, "Bones... I'm, I'm sorry, then..."  
  
He could feel his whole back cramping up. If Bones told him to call him McCoy from now on, again...  
  
  
But the doctor just sighed.  
  
"I know, Jim. I'm probably going to forgive you. Seeing at it was amazing sex and all. But never, you hear me? Never do something like that again. Not with me."  
  
Somehow, this was even worse. Jim had never felt so judged in his life, never felt so lacking of something and so unbelievably filthy.  
"... Alright", he mumbled. "Um, call me if the drug does something else, alright?"  
  
Bones just grumbled something that sounded like an assent, and the sound of the shower started.  
  
Jim swallowed and walked out.


	2. Day Two

He couldn't quite remember how he got to his own bed: there had just been an overwhelming feeling of numbness. And he couldn't piece together what had woken him up, but he didn't feel well rested at all, and they were at red alert.  
  
  
There was some kind of echo in his head of the communications officer calling all alpha shift to the bridge, but man, did they have to have two too-early mornings with red alert in a row?  
  
  
He skipped the coffee, not trusting his voice to be understandable for the replicator after last night, hopped into his clothes, and jogged up to the bridge. The bruises from the training session with Sulu, which had faded nicely yesterday, felt just as bad as the morning before.  
  
  
Probably his fault, for letting himself be fucked raw over a desk. Jim couldn't quite quench the satisfied grin at that. It had been fantastic sex, even Bones had said so, he would forgive him, and maybe he could talk him into an encore. It wasn't quite dread that was forming in his stomach at that thought; it was too warm for that, and kind of fluttery.  
  
  
Anyway, he strolled onto the bridge, glanced at the monitor, and stopped dead in his tracks.  
  
"NO! Another one?!"  
  
Sulu had left the chair already but didn't call out his arrival, watching him confusedly instead. Commander Tionne saluted and said,  
  
"Captain, this vessel appeared three minutes ago and immediately opened fire. We have-"  
  
"Waaaait a second."  
  
Jim squinted at the monitor, while Spock and Uhura arrived, completing the alpha shift crew.  
  
Tionne shifted his weight and started up again, slower this time.  
  
"We have the shields up, evasive maneuvers are started and we've been trying to hail them in all known languages."  
  
  
Jim stared at him and asked,  
  
"Why? I mean, we do know that they communicate in pictures and via telepathy, don't we?"  
  
Silence reigned over the bridge. Tionne frowned for a second and tried to end his report.  
  
"Um. Well. We don't. It's unclassified, of an unknown species. They didn’t shoot a second time, and their first hit didn't do any damage, so we didn’t fire back."  
  
  
Uhura had just relieved her gamma colleague, when she reported,  
  
"Captain, they’re sending an image!"  
  
She threw it onto the main monitor. Tionne stared at Jim with apparent disbelief before he too turned to the picture.  
  
It showed nine human beings, their hand lifted in greeting, and five taller ones, with long snouts and longer hands lifted as well.  
  
Jim sat down heavily into his chair. Everyone seemed to stare at him, even those who behaved professionally and didn't turn their heads away from their stations. Jim hailed the medbay.  
  
"Bones to the bridge, please."  
  
Then he turned to Spock.  
  
  
"They know our weapons are superior and that we destroyed their sister ship, so how likely is it that they want to negotiate a ceasefire, or rather, how likely is it that they just want to kill any away team we would send?"  
  
  
Silence again. Jim frowned.  
  
"Input, anyone?"  
  
"Captain," Tionne hesitated a moment. "We have never encountered a ship like that before." And competent officer that he was, he tried to get as much information into Jim’s head as he could. "They have visibility shields, and though their first shot hit, we still have no idea what that hit intended."  
  
  
Jim blinked at him.  
  
"Now, Ben, that's not funny. We  _have_  met a ship exactly like this one, just yesterday, remember?"  
  
Then suddenly a very dark urge made him call up the stardate.  
  
"Holy shit."  
  
Bones came onto the bridge, and Jim locked eyes with him.  
  
"Holy fucking shit. Bones. I'm losing my mind!"  
  
  
Bones of course started to scan him immediately, and Jim tried to catch his eye again. He really hoped he hadn't lost his best friend in all this mess. But Bones just frowned at him with visible worry.  
  
"You seem to be fine."  
  
  
Uhura cleared her throat and asked,  
  
"How should we answer them?"  
  
Jim nodded.  
  
"Send the same picture back to them. Chekov, figure out a way to send them the coordinates to this planet you calculated coordinates for yesterda- anyway, work them into a visual system so they'll understand. Bones, Uhura, Spock, you'll come with me. Spock, get Security to send five other guys, make sure one of them’s Thomas" - which was Cupcake's original name - "he'll be useful. And Bones, you keep behind me this time."  
  
  
Spock inclined his head and opened his mouth to discuss these orders, but Jim quickly said,  
  
"Their brothers singled me out. So I really should talk to them again. I think."  
  
He kept on staring at the stardate.  
  
"But Spock, if I start to get anything else confused, tell me. Maybe this shot they hit me with scrambled my brain or something."  
  
  
And again, just silence. Bones shrugged and said,  
  
"He's not under any chemical influence, or under duress or too much stress, he should be thinking clearly."  
  
Spock slowly said,  
  
"Captain, nobody shot you with anything."  
  
Uhura dropped in,  
  
"He did know the fact that they communicate via visuals."  
  
Then she had to turn to her station again, where Chekov’s new picture had arrived.  
  
"Thank you, Pavel. Captain, we are ready to send on your command."  
  
"Send it."  
  
  
Spock took a deep breath and suggested,  
  
"The Captain also said that they communicated via telepathy. He might be under telepathic influence."  
  
Bones lifted both hands to show the end of his expertise, and Jim stared at Spock, tensing up and asking,  
  
"That’s possible?! Really? Shit! Can you do something against that?"  
  
Now that he thought about it, his ass certainly didn't feel the last evening, and neither did his lips. If this was all some telepathic message to confuse him or something, it was a terrifyingly realistic one.  
  
Although... what could possibly be the goal of the Dogators?  
  
  
Spock went to him and proposed,  
  
"I can check for any outside influence, Captain," and lifted his hand in question.  
  
Jim nodded a few times and leaned into his hand.  
  
Spock touched him.   
  
  
He felt different than his older self, sharper, colder, brighter, in a dark way. He tasted like cinnamon and mint, smelled like coal and iron, and somewhere something silky soft skimmed over Jim's thoughts.  
  
Jim blinked, seeing nothing, and suddenly he felt Spock’s revulsion.  
  
That might have been last night, which was still pretty much in the front of Jim's mind.  
  
  
So when Spock stepped back and stared at Jim without showing any disgust or incomprehension, Jim shook his head a little and said,  
  
"Sorry about that."  
  
Spock’s lips tightened slightly and his gaze flitted over to Bones and back to him.  
  
"There is no outside influence anywhere in your thoughts, Captain."  
  
  
Jim frowned.  
  
"... alright. Then let's talk to the Dogators."  
  
He could hear Chekov’s mumbled question, asking for a repetition of the last word, but he was already on his way to the transporter pads.  
  
  
  
  
They looked exactly like the Dogators they had talked to yesterday, and Jim was busy formulating hypotheses about Chekov’s idea of spacetime relatedness to their energy emissions in the back of his mind. He would have mistaken this for yesterday, alright, if the dogs hadn't sent that image, hadn't known they would be nine, just like... yesterday.  
  
Jim didn't wait for anything, walked up to them and asked,  
  
"What did you do!"  
  
They leaned back a little, and he could feel their cruel amusement. Then they sent a notion of peacefulness, with a touch of a question.  
  
"NO! Of course I'm going to shoot you to bits again if you don't stop messing with us! With me!"  
  
Spock called from behind,  
  
"Captain, we should refrain from presuming their objective to be hostile."  
  
  
One of the Dogators snarled, and they sent the clearer message of Jim, being pretty much without intelligence, not learning anything, uncivilized animal that he was. And there was something else, a perception of him as something completely... hollow.  
  
Uhura was calling anxiously,  
  
"Captainnn...."  
  
The security guys had jumped to his sides, weapons drawn. Cupcake muttered,  
  
"Captain, I'd feel better if we could step back a little?"  
  
  
Uhura and Spock were discussing the nature of the alien communication while coming nearer, Spock moving into an ideal position to nerve-pinch Jim if necessary.   
  
That somehow soothed Jim's frayed nerves.  
  
  
Jim followed every move of the Dogators, who shifted their weights again. Then they sent patience and condescending amusement.   
  
And suddenly the one who had snarled made a very sharp move and threw something over their heads, right into McCoy's face. Before anybody had time to blink Cupcake had shot the aggressor, McCoy had started to yell, and Uhura had called for them to be beamed up. Shots were flying around as the world around them faded to the transporter room.  
  
  
Jim didn't even wait for the medical personnel to jump to help them but ran up to the bridge again.  
  
Sulu was waiting for him, reporting immediately that the aliens were firing everything they had, seriously damaging the energy core in the process, but not doing any damage to the hull.  
  
Jim snarled without hesitation,  
  
"Fire back!"  
  
Then he let himself fall into his chair, staring at the monitor where the alien ship gave its last fireworks show.  
Again.  
  
  
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Alright then. A time loop. Not unheard of in certain entertaining science fiction stories.  
  
And he had a brilliant crew, including a Russian whiz kid at his disposal. He could probably do this. Somehow.   
  
He gave Spock, who had just come onto the bridge, the conn and went to the sick bay.  
  
  
  
  
Bones was trying to bully Chapel into letting him go again. Jim looked over the chemical analysis of the compound. It looked exactly like the last time. So Jim ordered Chapel to let him take Bones back to his quarters, promising her that he knew the drug and knew how to treat it.  
  
  
Spock was hailing him while he helped a darkly mumbling Bones to his door, so he stopped on the way, punched into a communicator, and asked Spock to schedule a debriefing in half an hour.  
  
  
Bones muttered,  
  
"What did they do that for, huh? You were standing right in front of them, but nooo, they have to take a piss at me."  
  
"I don't know, Bones." Jim was a bit distracted by his whirling thoughts and the problem of balancing the heavy man while opening his door. "It's an aphrodisiac, too, though, so I thought you might not want any witnesses."  
  
Bones stared at him in apparent horror.  
  
"... thank you. Damn it!"  
  
Jim helped him onto his bed and hesitated for a second.  
  
Bones stared up at him, or, rather, he was staring at Jim's lips.  
  
Jim cleared his throat and said,  
  
"Listen, Bones, you're my best friend and all, but I'd really... I'd really like to help you with the aphrodisiac part of the evening."  
  
  
Bones blinked at him and grimaced.  
  
"No Jim, thanks, but no thanks. I'm not... I'm not a one night stand kind of guy."  
  
Jim couldn't help but think about how that cock had felt inside of him and smiled crookedly, as honestly as he could.  
  
"I know."  
  
Bones blinked again.  
  
"You know."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"So you're offering..."  
  
"Yeah. Been thinking about it for a while anyway..."  
  
Since the day before, that had to count.  
  
  
Bones closed his eyes and swallowed. Jim felt just a tiny bit dirty for doing this, but then he just went with it.  
  
"Listen, I've always thought that maybe you could, you know, really handle me. You know? Treat me right. And I know you'd love to... do me."  
  
  
Bones swallowed again and opened his eyes. They had some kind of new shimmer in them, and his smile was cautious but sweet, well, in a gruff way.  
  
"Yeah. I would."  
  
Jim smiled with tight lips. The flutter was back. He mumbled,  
  
"Alright, get some sleep, I'll come over later then...?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Bone smiled back, and Jim had to take a deep breath to calm the stupid warm queasiness in his stomach.  
  
  
  
  
The briefing went quite well. Jim was brilliant, after all, and he really did his best to be a good Captain, so of course he still remembered every word from the last time they had done this.  
  
He fed Chekov every new idea he'd had on top of the kid's own theories, asked his science team about known hypotheses of time loops and had a surprisingly easy time convincing them that he'd lived through this exact day before.  
  
  
Spock was the one who figured out why the aliens were consciously experiencing every loop and even had a good idea of their motivation.  
  
"This way they can study us, our weapons, and defensive systems without endangering themselves. Every instance in which we deploy our technology to destroy theirs, we provide them with even more information."  
  
"Until they’re able to destroy us," muttered Jim.  
  
  
Chekov had an analysis of their first shot and went through it again in search of a loophole mechanism, muttering to himself in Russian.  
  
Uhura proposed the possibility of the aliens advancing in communications, too, and Sulu called Jim's attention to the fact that while Jim remembered it only taking a single torpedo to harm them, and just a few to destroy them utterly, this time they'd had to shoot two full arrays to do so.  
  
  
The Dogators  _were_  learning. Rapidly.  
  
  
Jim left his crew to do their thing, scheduling a late night briefing to get all their finds and carry them into the next loop.  
  
Then he was finally able to go back to Bones.  
  
  
  
  
Bones wasn't sleeping; he was sitting on his bed, in just a tight, black undershirt and the comfortable black pants that Starfleet issued for recreation. He seemed to be sweating a lot and looked quite miserable.  
  
"Hey you," Jim said from the door and let it swish closed behind him.  
  
"Hey," Bones grumbled and took a deep breath. "Listen, I'm... I'm really... I mean... it  _is_  an aphrodisiac, but I'll manage just fine on my own. And I'm still able to think clearly, so I'm very aware of how bad an idea this is."  
  
  
Jim frowned and started to strip.  
  
"It's actually not. You like to hold me down and fuck me, I like to be held down and fucked."  
  
Bones grimaced, and although his eyes were glued to every part of Jim as it was newly revealed, his tone stayed resolute,  
  
"It's not about sexual preferences, kid."  
  
  
Jim threw his left boot at him and yelled,  
  
"I know! Just shut up and take me!"  
  
This was rapidly going wrong, and he just needed to have this dominant, strong Bones pounding his ass again.  
  
He actually wasn't all that good at manipulating people. He tried, and he improved daily, but he had to know exactly how to play someone, and this time... how did one play a guy without, well, playing him?  
  
  
"Listen, Bones, I just know how I'll feel if you're the one to- I just... at least let me blow you!"  
  
Bones was staring at him with something like true horror.  
  
"Why?"  
  
Jim kept the eye contact, his brain scrambling for the strategy he needed. What had Bones said, the night before?  
  
"Because it’ll feel good to you, and I'll finally have the excuse I need to give myself to you. God, do we  _have_  to discuss this?"  
  
  
Bones was standing up, his eyes starting to gleam. Jim took his shirt off and started on his pants, not looking at Bones anymore, which might have looked like shame, and maybe it even was. He really felt bad for playing his friend like this. Not for wanting what he wanted, though.  
  
  
Suddenly Bones' hand was at his face, tilting it to look at him again.  
  
"No, we don't."  
  
Then he kissed him, hot and demanding and just a little rough.  
  
Jim's knees went a bit soft at that and he made a tiny, needy noise. Bones chuckled and mumbled at his lips,  
  
"Keep on stripping."  
  
  
So Jim tried to get the rest of his clothes off as fast as possible, and when he was done, he started to kneel before Bones, freeing his erection from his pants and swallowing him whole without any hesitation.  
  
"Yeah," Bones groaned. "I heard about that..."  
  
  
Both of his hands slapped Jim’s hands from Bones' hips, grabbed his hair and started to lead his head. Jim just loved this. His own cock was already weeping, he was drooling a lot again, having to fight the gag reflex and sucking and licking and doing his very best.  
  
  
Bones pushed him against his body again as he came, and Jim swallowed it all. But then, instead of shoving him away like the last time, his hand became gentler, caressing his face and combing through his hair. He looked down at him and smiled his crooked little smile.  
  
  
"You really are very good at this. What do you want to do now?"  
  
Jim licked his lips, stretched a little to show off his muscles and his erection and kept his gaze obedient and as wanton as possible.  
  
"Whatever you want to do with me."  
  
  
Bones snorted.  
  
"Oh really. That's a dangerous thing to say."  
  
He went to one of the walls and folded out a high examination bed, standard issue for a Starfleet chief medical officer's room. Jim grinned and hopped on.  
  
"Kinky, Doctor!"  
  
"No, handy. Lie back."  
  
  
Jim did so very eagerly and beamed at Bones. Until the doctor took out some kind of medical elastic, that fit nicely around the base of Jim's cock. Jim grimaced slightly.  
  
"Really? A cockring? Just because you’re under the influence and grow hard again in minutes doesn't mean I can't, too, you know?"  
  
Bones gazed at him with an eerie calm.  
  
"If you do or don't come is irrelevant to this. Actually, you are irrelevant to this. This is about me doing whatever I want with you."  
  
  
Jim blinked and lowered his head again.  
  
"Right," he whispered, and he could feel his cock growing even harder at the thought.  
  
"I bet everyone else just loved to please you, hmm?" Bones said.  
  
Jim uttered something affirmative but quickly lost his ability to speak. Bones' soft hands were caressing Jim's cock oh so gently. His thin skin there started to feel hyper-sensitive and the rest of his body felt neglected for a moment.  
  
  
Then Bones' warm hands spread over Jim's hard belly, stroking his sides, his arms, his legs, combing through his hair again, pinching his nipples until they were rock hard, and Jim had to fight so very hard to stay still.  
  
Bones gravelly voice said quietly,  
  
"You're doing good, Jim. Very good. Just let me do whatever I damn well want to do, and you just take whatever I give you."  
  
  
Something in the back of Jim's mind protested loudly, and he didn't even know exactly what that was, until he asked, breathlessly,  
  
"That's not exactly what I meant with offering myself, you know? Me doing all the taking?"  
  
  
Bones made a low, agreeing sound but objected,  
  
"I know you don't know a thing about this, Jim, but you trying to please me any way I like, that's giving. You just letting me use you, not demanding anything, not trying to talk me into some idea you have..."  
  
Jim scrunched up his face and tried to concentrate enough to follow the conversation, while Bones started to finger his balls, massaging them lightly.  
  
  
"So if I begged you to fuck me until you did it..."  
  
"That would be you taking. You using me."  
  
"But you would do the fucking!"  
  
"But on your request. Don't worry, honey, I will fuck you. Whenever I feel like it."  
  
"And you probably won't even let me come," Jim whispered, in utter, utter awe.  
  
"Unless I feel like watching you lose control completely, no."  
  
  
Jim blinked at the ceiling. Bones' strong hands nudged his legs apart, scratched the insides of his thighs a bit and ghosted feather-soft over his erection now and then.  
  
This, Jim told himself, is most probably a time loop. Even Spock had agreed to that theory. Bones wouldn't remember anything the next morning.  
  
  
There was no chance at all that Jim would have any reason to worry. He could actually... he could just....  
  
let go.  
  
  
Jim closed his eyes and just let his best friend have his way.  
  
  
Bones was maddeningly gentle with him. Goading him higher and higher and leading him back down again. It didn't take long for Jim to completely lose any sense of time or logic. He knew he was babbling, but he didn't know what exactly he was saying. There was some begging, yes, but Bones just crooned at him and petted or kissed it better.  
  
He was apologizing for the begging time and time again, declaring emphatically that he really didn't mean to make Bones do his bidding, but oh, if he would just press a tiny little bit harder, pleasepleaseplease-  
  
  
Somehow he ended up on his stomach again, his legs dangling from the examination table, his erection pressed neatly into the foamed plastic of the edge. Bones had told him to keep his arms spread away from himself, to stop trying to stand on tiptoes, and generally not do anything at all.  
  
  
He did not tell him not to drool, which Jim just couldn't help anyway. He was staring into nothing, his probably overly bright eyes half closed, and he couldn't keep his mouth shut.  
  
  
Bones was playing with his hole. He had widened him ages ago, making him slippery all over, fingering him, and pressing into his prostate until Jim couldn't stop keening, and now he was just testing the different ways of coaxing out sounds from Jim.  
  
  
One warm hand suddenly lay down onto the small of his back, soothing his trembling. Somehow, that was just too much. Jim bit his lip, cramped up all over, stopped making any sounds at all, but the tears just fell, regardless of how tightly he pressed his eyes shut.  
  
  
Bones murmured warm words of encouragement.  
  
"You're doing fine, so fine. Such a good boy."  
  
A sob wretched itself out of Jim’s chest.  
  
"Yes you are. My very good boy. Just let go. I'm here. You're mine. Everything will be fine."  
  
Jim wailed quietly, fell back into a completely relaxed position, just to rear up, straining his head back and sobbing:  
  
"God, Bones, PLEASE!"  
  
"... it's Leonard."  
  
Jim whispered,  
  
"Oh god oh god oh god..." and fell back down again. All his inner alarm bells were shrilling so violently that it became easy again to ignore them.  
  
And then there was Bones' erection pressing in so unbelievably easily.  
  
  
Jim shouted a jubilant "YES!" and as Bones grabbed his hips and started to fuck him hard and fast and deep and everything he needed, his wet sounding voice uttered his name again and again, while the tears came back, his body tingling up to his hair and down to his toes.  
  
"Leonardleonardleonardleonardleonardleonard..."  
  
  
Bones' thrusts became slower and even harder shortly before he came deep inside of Jim, whose arousal was clearly starting to skirt around his pain threshold.  
  
He was still sobbing breathlessly, clinging to the table, and completely out of the blue he remembered that he still had a briefing to go to.  
  
  
Bones grumbled,  
  
"Don't move", and Jim nearly froze up. Everything in him screamed not to displease B- Leonard now, not to lose this fragile thing he had won here, if he'd won anything at all, he couldn't quite comprehend, and B- Leonard was moving around, Jim didn't even dare turn his head, and god where was Leonard, and he really, really needed to calm down his breathing and-  
  
  
Suddenly a wet, warm towel cleaned up his backside. Jim sucked in a deep, shivering breath, still terrified of doing anything wrong.  
  
Leonard’s voice was so very warm.  
  
"Go to my bed and lie down on your back."  
  
  
Jim nodded a few times before he dared to move. He couldn't look at Bones, though. How had he ever imagined there wouldn't be any classic morning-after problems without a morning after? There were always all those awkward inbetween moments, where he normally took his leave...  
  
  
He had to walk slowly; his knees were far too wobbly for anything else. Bones was right behind him, chuckling a little, but thankfully without any malice.  
  
Nothing but warmth.  
  
"Sorry, Jim, you're just too heavy for me to carry you."  
  
  
Jim nodded again, mindlessly.  
  
Then he laid down and stared at the ceiling again. Bones clucked his tongue and muttered,  
  
"Now, that won't do. I want to see those pretty, teary eyes."  
  
Jim blinked at him, trying not to focus on any facial expression Bones might have, but failing utterly.  
  
There was so much strength and heat and comfort in his look. Jim dared to smile a little.  
  
  
Leonard smiled back and said,  
  
"Spread your legs, honey."  
  
Jim immediately complied, taking a deep breath. On to round two, it seemed. Jim could do that, he was sure. He could do anything, if Leonard would just once again call him...  
  
"Good boy."  
  
Yes, that. Jim closed his eyes and felt his mouth gaping open again.  
  
"No, keep looking at me."  
  
Two of Leonard’s fingers found their way back inside to gently tease his sensitive prostate, while the other hand snapped off the elastic, not hurting Jim at all.  
  
Then that hand, which was slicked with new lube, closed around him and pumped him oh so very slowly.  
  
  
Jim stared at Leonard, whose wide shoulders loomed above him, blocking some of the meager light, and his breath was hitching with every intake.  
  
Leonard watched him calmly and didn't speed up his movements at all.  
  
  
The fluttering in his stomach was back, heating up to alarming proportions, trying to claw itself out of Jim. He had to remind himself.  
  
This here had no consequences whatsoever.  
  
"Yes," Leonard whispered. "Yes. Give yourself to me. Give up. Let go."  
  
The tears were flowing again and Jim started to shake his head a little in disbelief without losing the eye contact.  
  
  
And then, suddenly, it hit him like a torpedo, shredding him to pieces, and Jim screamed with all he had, threw his head back, and his whole body surged up into Leonard’s warm, soft, strong hands, who didn't, didn't, just didn't change his rhythm in the slightest.  
  
  
Eons later, Jim's body lost any strength, and he fell. The warm towel was back, cleaning him up again, and then Bones tried to put a blanket on him. He mumbled praises again and something just snapped. Jim moved faster than he had imagined himself able to do, grabbed his clothes and started to dress again.  
  
  
"Alright, yes, that was great, I have a meeting, don't be mad, I'll just come back after that, right? You just try to sleep the rest of it off-"  
  
"Jim..." Bones was standing up very slowly, his arm muscles flexing where the dark shirt didn't hide them, while he clenched his fists and relaxed them alternately.  
  
Jim stared at him, while his hands put on his pants without him. For a second, he froze, and then he whispered, brokenly,  
  
"I'm sorry..." and fled.  
  
  
  
  
His crew had done their very best. He had a ton of information to memorize, and he did so for the rest of the night. Cramming for exams had always worked better if he had something else he really didn't want to think about.  
  
  
He glanced at his chronometer once in a while, and sometime minutes before 0500 in the gamma shift, he went from sitting at his desk, wide awake, his thighs still trembling sometimes, his heart racing for a few minutes now and then without any apparent reason...  
  
to waking up, groggily, a communications voice echoing in his head.  
  
"Red alert! All alpha shift personnel to their stations!"


	3. Days Three to Forty-Two

For a few seconds, Jim debated with himself. Then he activated his communication console and hailed the bridge.  
  
"Commander Tionne, do we have an alien vessel about three times as big as we are, that shot us, didn't damage anything except maybe the energy core, and doesn't react to known languages?"  
  
Two seconds of silence were long enough for Jim to start doubting that he had punched in correctly, but then the Commander's voice came through.  
  
"... yes, sir."  
  
"Shoot them. Record very carefully how much it took to destroy them. And call for a briefing of core personnel of all shifts in the mess."  
  
"Yes, Sir."  
  
  
Tionne punched out. Jim approved of the tone of his voice; the man had shown exactly the right amount of doubt and disapproval at shooting an unknown starship down. But apparently Jim had managed to sound captainy enough for the Commander to follow his order.  
  
  
He hurried through his coffee and had already started to write down all the memorized data from the last loop, while he walked briskly to the mess.  
  
It wasn't the first time they had used it for a mass meeting; they had held a memorial service there after the Narada Incident, and there had been a welcome ceremony in which Jim had confirmed the new constellation of crewmembers. So many of them had had to replace lost superiors, being fresh from academy themselves.  
  
Now all of them were looking at Jim with barely veiled suspicion. Jim walked up to the podium, threw some data from his PADD onto the main monitor of the hall and started to talk.  
  
  
  
  
This was the new routine for the following loops. First they killed all Dogators, effectively robbing them of most of the loop time, so that the Enterprise had a chance to stay ahead in this race of minds and inventions.  
  
  
And then Jim convinced his crew that he was not a madman, handed out findings to the people who'd had them so that they could go further with them, and kick started the well-oiled machine that was his crew.  
  
  
He went from one briefing to the next, listening and cramming as much information into his brain as he could.   
  
Sometimes there were strange lulls in activity, when all the Enterprise was awake and working hard, people walking briskly from one station to the next, long halls and open rooms steeped in hushed concentration, and the Captain not really welcome anywhere.  
  
  
He kept Ensign Safra from losing his eyes and ended up repairing the dangerous workstation himself loop after loop. Not that it made any difference, it would be just as dangerous in the following loop, but Jim couldn't really contribute to most of the stuff his science teams were working on, and he needed to keep busy.  
  
  
One memorable loop was spent playing some awesome kind of basket-ball rugby game with Thomas and his security team, but since that sent him straight to the sick bay with new bruises on top of the ones from training with Sulu the day, and ages before, he never did that again.  
  
  
Bones was completely normal. No drug, no knowledge, nothing but a slight bewilderment because of Jim's curious behavior. Jim made Chapel treat him and managed to avoid his best friend as much as he could.  
  
  
  
  
  
It took five long loops, in which there were leaps and bounds of scientific progress, for Jim to run out of ideas to keep himself from temptation.  
  
The first ones he seduced were Spock's two underlings, Beckman and Di Gliani. They were newlyweds, his lips made for kissing and sucking, her breasts oh so sensitive, and both of them very appreciative of him seducing them to a threesome.  
  
  
Of course that kept them from working for a few, precious hours, but Jim couldn't help it. He wandered the long corridors of his beautiful ship, and he could feel himself growing distant.  
  
On deck eight a door malfunctioned every time and nobody did anything about it, their priorities elsewhere. In the laboratories of deck three the scientists and Scotty’s tiny second in command fell into the same heated, though not very wordy argument every single loop, regardless of what Jim told them.  
  
Jim accumulated so much information about everything around him, and there was nobody to really share it with. He was talking for hours, working in tandem with other brilliant minds, but he was still so very much alone.  
  
  
  
  
Two loops later Beckman and Di Gliani had become too familiar and comfortable to Jim, ergo they weren't distracting enough anymore.  
  
He could watch himself deciding the wrong thing, but couldn't help doing so. Like a drug addict talking himself out of doing the next shot while watching himself doing it, he went on to seduce any attractive crewmember he could find.  
  
  
No fucking consequences.  
  
  
He kept from the core crew, though. He had fucked up one wonderful friendship, even if only in his own head, and he didn't want to lose others.  
  
And over time the sex somehow became obsolete.  
  
  
On loop twenty-seven he found himself in the quarters of Medical Lieutenant Charice Bennet, who had a gorgeous body and big brown doe-eyes, yet they ended up just talking. The woman had a wicked sense of humor and a deep sadness in her smiles.   
  
He got her to tell him about her miscarriage and the falling out with her family. In the end, both a little tipsy, they made out a bit, but without any heat.  
  
  
He found himself joining her for some meals after that, never telling her about what had happened. And he endeavored to get to know all the other people on his ship.  
  
  
It was like running up a hill that just kept on growing.  
  
Scotty’s second was called Keenser, and his people considered him a chatterbox, a light-lover, an above-world freak. Keenser had a fierce loyalty to Scotty, the  _Enterprise_ , and to Jim. A fact that the tiny engineer told him with clipped tones and impatient body language.  
  
  
Jim learned more and more about so many different crewmembers, and every social contact, every touch, every shared smile, laugh, argument, every fucking thing made him even more alone.  
  
  
  
  
  
A few loops later Spock deducted that the Dogators had approximately seven minutes each loop before the Enterprise utterly destroyed them. On top of the two longer periods they'd had in the first loops, and extrapolating from their already demonstrated proficiency in weapons engineering and space-time physics...  
  
the  _Enterprise_  was taking too long to facilitate an out.  
  
Bones, who of course was present in Alpha Core briefings, grumbled,  
  
"And Jim is probably getting tired way faster than they are."  
  
Di Gliani suggested that they could put him to sleep for the longest part of the loop and only wake him up for the final briefing, but was voted down, since it now took hours to brief everyone on their own progress alone, and he sometimes forgot details that had to be added now and again.  
  
  
It was true, though. Jim was starting to show the mental exhaustion. And the more loops they had, the harder it became to believe in their ability to get out of this. The Dogators had had shields since loop thirty-five, and those shields grew stronger so fast that Spock actually showed his amazement.  
  
Scotty had started to work on some kind of space-time jumping device, closely related to the warp drive, with Chekov and five of their other brightest minds, but it became very clear that they would take years to invent it, and just didn't have the means to build it.  
  
There had been detailed plans to enter and raid the Dogators’ ship for material for the jumping drive, but Uhura’s whole team was very sure that they would not be able to understand their workings in time, and the security guys plainly refused to take Jim on such a mission, which made the whole raid useless, since he would have been the only one able to remember any of it.  
  
  
Jim promised himself to convince them to make the raid the moment the Dogators had functioning torpedoes of their own.  
  
  
  
  
  
Late in loop forty-two Jim stood in Bones' quarters, staring at him, frozen in his spot.  
  
"What?" Bones asked and watched him suspiciously.  
  
"Nothing." Jim's voice was far too rough to be convincing. "I missed you."  
  
Bones arched an eyebrow and waved him to the couch.  
  
"Why? Did I die in the other loops?"  
  
"No... I just avoided you."  
  
  
Bones blinked at him.  
  
"You did? Why the hell would you do that?"  
  
His eyes were full of apprehension. Jim fell into one end of the couch and noticed that he'd somehow lost his ability to lie somewhere in between loops twenty and twenty-seven.  
  
"We fucked."  
  
  
Apparently all diplomacy had been left behind sometime, too.  
  
Bones blinked at him and leant back into his seat.  
Jim couldn't look at him, but the silence stretched so uncomfortably that he felt compelled to keep on talking.  
  
  
"We didn't just fuck, Bones. You were drugged, and I completely took advantage of you. You didn't... want me to know, I think, but I really loved the way you... you know, how you're dominating in bed?"  
  
Jim had his elbows on his knees and stared at the floor.  
He swallowed so drily it hurt and just kept on talking.  
  
"You were so fucking angry with me..."  
  
He could hear Bones standing up and pacing a bit.  
  
"You told me I had no self-respect and... And that you would forgive me anyway, given time. Only of course we were in a time loop, so there was no time, so I'll never know if you would have, right?"  
  
  
Jim hunched his shoulders.  
  
"And then the next day I just couldn't not, I just needed to, I wanted you so much to- so I came back for more, but more honest, that time, and you weren't angry at all, but even, well, more... God, Leonard..."  
  
  
All his words left him, and suddenly Bones was there, dragging him up into a hug. Jim couldn't keep himself from clinging to the strong, warm man who mumbled something soothing and just held him for a while.  
  
  
A dry sob betrayed Jim's frayed nerves. Bones’ deep, gravelly voice asked:  
  
"And then you ran and hid, hmm?"  
  
"... yeah."  
  
"Man. You, my friend, have serious commitment issues."  
  
"I know."  
  
  
Bones huffed and said in a quiet tone,  
  
"And you are so touch starved... why didn't you come back earlier? I mean, there are no goddamn consequences to anything you do, aside from messing with the investigation, maybe..."  
  
His large hand petted his head that fit nicely on top of Bones' shoulder, Jim’s nose against his throat.  
  
  
He shrugged minutely.  
  
"I don't know. This is way too real for me. And at the same time... it's completely dishonest, right? You won't remember a thing tomorrow."  
  
"But you will," Bones said quietly. "Do you know how my cock feels inside of you?"  
  
Jim could feel Bones tense up and lose all tension again when he nodded a tiny bit.  
  
"And did it feel good?"  
  
"God, yeah. The best."  
  
  
He could hear Bones' smirk.  
  
"Oh really. And did I let you come?"  
  
"Uh-huh..."  
  
"Both times?"  
  
"Well, I had to jerk off when you were mad at me, but essentially, yes."  
  
"How generous of me."  
  
"Uh-huh."  
  
  
Bones' chuckle vibrated through his whole chest.  
  
"See, this isn't dishonest at all. If this is helping you cope with giving me so much power... dammit, Jim, if you liked it, and if I really know you... how the hell did you keep away from getting more?"  
  
  
Jim disentangled himself a little and grinned tiredly.  
  
"I fucked everything that was willing and pretty up to but excluding core crew."  
  
  
Somehow the temperature in the room dropped a few degrees. Jim startled and looked into Bones' eyes. They were watching him very coldly. Jim started to babble again.  
  
"I just needed to keep busy, and that way I got to know a whole lot about my crew, and you know, touch starved and all?"  
  
Bones’ lips became tighter.  
  
"Bones, Leonard, listen, they don't ever need to know-"  
  
  
Bones punched him. Hard.  
  
Jim stared at him and something shattered inside of him. Bones closed his eyes, his whole figure stiff, his fists clenched, his jaw working. Then he took a deep breath and looked at Jim again.  
  
"Dammit. I'm sorry, Jim."  
  
  
Jim took a step back, his gaze darting around, his thoughts refusing to make any sense.  
  
"Jim?"  
  
He shook his head and turned to go. He just couldn't grasp any hold of the situation. Bones had  _punched_  him.  
  
"Jim, shit, I'm really sorry. Come back here."  
  
  
Jim moved like the air had turned to molasses, opening the door to the corridor. Bones took a few steps and touched his shoulder, gently.  
  
"Jim? I didn't mean to, I'm sorry... It's just the thought that you would really do that to them..."   
  
His voice turned small and rough, and Jim experienced a sharp sense of déjà-vu. "I just lost it."  
  
  
Why was this so bad? Jim left him behind and just walked back to his own quarters, shaking his head now and again, still so very dazed.   
  
He had gone out in search of brawls night after night for a long time, fighting against bigger guys or more than one guy and losing more often than not. It had been some kind of twisted hobby.  
  
Why was one small punch hurting so much?  
  
  
Yes, it stung a little, but really, it should have been nothing.  
  
  
  
  
  
The following loop he tried to seduce Spock.


	4. Days Forty-Three to Fifty-Six

Seducing Spock was a long time engagement, that much was clear from the beginning. Riling him up to thrash him around was easy, and getting easier with every loop. Sometimes it even happened as an unintended reaction to otherwise failproof seduction techniques.  
  
  
Jim still rescued Safra's eyes every loop, fixed the stupid door on deck eight, learned more than he'd ever wanted about space-time and the egos of Scotty and Chekov and found himself relying more and more on Sulu’s capable hands to captain while Spock was busy doing scientific things or fighting off Jim's advances.  
  
  
When he felt particularly needy he threw in a quickie with some random lower crew member, making a point of learning their name and their story in the process.  
He felt bad for each and every one of those, but he just couldn't help it.  
  
  
  
  
In loop fifty-six he hesitantly asked Bones for treatment for nymphomania, but Bones just grumbled at him that his issues had nothing to do with psychological ailments that severe.  
  
Somehow he was his best friend again for a few, precious minutes.  
  
  
He gave him his best whiskey and growled,  
  
"I have no idea what brought about this new self awareness and believe me, I don't want to know. But Jim, you're no nymphomaniac. You're just trying to get as much of what you think is loving attention as you can."  
  
  
Jim's face must have shown his complete lack of understanding. Bones smiled a tiny, crooked smile at him, and if Jim hadn't known better, he wouldn’t have detected the sad longing in his gaze.  
  
  
"You were neglected as a child, you know that, right?"  
  
"Whaaat, no I wasn’t. Come on, Bones, I told you a lot about my childhood-"  
  
"And your mother left. Time and time again."  
  
  
Jim shut up, pressed his lips together and frowned, a little appalled at being psychoanalysed this casually.  
  
  
Bones sighed.  
  
"I know Frank didn't hurt you or anything. But he didn't love you, either. Your Dad was dead already, Sam left, and on top of that you had no model of functioning relationships to orientate yourself with."  
  
  
Jim knocked back his whiskey. Bones' calm voice went on.  
  
"So now you have a pretty clear idea of how you can make people feel really good, loved, sexy, all that shit. And you really like to do so. But it feels like lies to you if you try to keep it up for too long. And you have no idea how it feels to be loved or taken care of, emotionally."  
  
Jim stared at Bones and heard his voice in all the different shades of gruffness and impatience.   
  
  
 _I just bet you kept on searching for someone to tame you, treat you right. But everyone’s always blinded by that stupid grin...  
Are you good for nothing else, huh? Feel safe now, do you?  
I would have _loved _to have you.  
My very good boy. Just let go. I'm here. You're mine. Everything will be fine._  
  
  
He blinked, put down the glass blindly and croaked:  
  
"I might have some idea."  
  
Bones frowned at him, but before he could say anything, Jim stood up, nearly toppling over the chair, and excused himself.  
  
"Thanks, Bones. That's a lot to think about. But honestly, thank you."  
  
He turned to go without looking at Bones again.  
  
  
  
  
The next briefing was harder to concentrate through than any before. Spock was watching him without hiding it at all. Jim's last try on him had been in the morning of that loop, and apparently he had at least thrown Spock a little.  
  
  
Afterwards he trailed behind his CO and asked him for a word in private.  
  
  
Spock's quarters were sparely furnished and decorated, but he'd had the colour of the walls changed, and somehow it felt soothing and warm to be in there. Jim stood up straight and said clearly:  
  
"I am here to apologize, Mr. Spock. I had a very interesting talk with McCoy, a few hours earlier, and it seems... I might be emotionally... crippled."  
  
  
He winced and shrugged with one shoulder.  
  
"I can't help but remember how it felt to mind-meld with Ambassador Spock. He showed a keen and utter trust in my whole person, and it's, well, it's incredible and completely new to a human to just know how high somebody else thinks of oneself."  
  
  
Spock inclined his head a little in recognition of Jim's point.  
Jim tightened his lips and searched frantically for something else to say.  
  
  
Spock took a long breath through his nose, looked into the distance for a moment and concentrated on Jim again, after a moment.  
  
"I do not think I can imagine your inner workings, Captain. But it is very logical for someone of your psychological buildup to crave a repetition of a mind-meld that left impressions behind resembling the ones you reported right now. It is also consequent that you would, maybe quite unaware of the fact, search for it with me, myself being the closest to the Ambassador that you can reach."  
  
  
"You know, he said we were destined to be great friends," Jim mused. "He might have put a bug into my ear, there..."  
  
"He also told you how to expose my being emotionally compromised-"  
  
"Nah, he didn't, he just told me to make you show it, not how."  
  
Spock lifted an eyebrow.  
  
"Indeed. Interesting."  
  
  
"But, you know, I know how... how your mind tastes. How your thoughts shine. What your soul feels like. And I'm..."  
  
Jim winced again, squared his shoulders and said,  
  
"Fucking lonely, Spock. I'm losing touch with the rest of the crew, you included."  
  
  
Spock nodded slowly.  
  
"That would be a logical consequence of you experiencing the time loop while everyone else does not."  
  
"Yeah, that."  
  
  
He put on his best soulful gaze, big blue puppy eyes and all and asked, huskily,  
  
"Spock, would you please sleep with me? Just once? You would forget about it, of course, but it would give me something to... hold on to."  
  
  
Jim had never tried to just ask. But now that he saw how Spock actually hesitated, he pressed on and whispered, despairingly:  
  
"I thought it would be less to ask from you than melding again, because, last time... when it was just about checking for telepathic influence, you were pretty much... disturbed, I think. I mean, I would prefer to... experience your mind that close again, but if you would at least consent to our bodies meeting, that would suffice, I think..."  
  
  
Spock blinked and said quietly,  
  
"I have heard that you tend to confuse sexual encounters with real affection."  
  
Jim stared at him, blankly. Damn Uhura. How dare she, really!  
  
  
Then he pulled himself together and lowered his gaze, lifting his shoulders a bit, radiating hurt and shame.  
  
"Yeah... that might... I had a difficult childhood."  
  
  
Some part of him actually knew what he was doing there. Twisting Bones' words into tools to get Spock to put out. But another part was convinced that he, neglected child that he had been, was very much entitled to as much loving attention as he could get.   
  
He cleared his throat and looked at Spock again, hands on his back, shoulders newly squared.  
  
"I'm sorry, Spock, I shouldn't have asked. Thank you."  
  
  
Jim Kirk was anything but above a pity fuck, especially from such a nice, sexy specimen as Spock.  
  
And it looked like he might get one. Spock had a tiny frown and hesistated again. Then he said,  
  
"If I might ask, Captain, this is time loop fifty-six that you are experiencing right now, is that correct?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"How often did you try..."  
  
"To seduce you?"  
  
  
There it was again, welcomed back into Jim's mind: The ability to lie. He shrugged and mumbled,  
  
"Just this one. I never dared before. You do know I respect you very much, right?"  
  
  
Spock inclined his head again and asked,  
  
"Did you ever try to seduce Lt. Uhura?"  
  
Jim snorted and grinned openly at Spock.  
  
"Yeah, in Iowa, ages ago. She turned me down. Didn't even tell me her first name. I thought you knew that!"  
  
  
Spock nodded slowly.  
  
"And other crewmembers?"  
  
Jim closed his eyes in visible pain.  
  
"Once. Bones. He's my best friend, and well, sometimes friends help each other out. But it didn't help all that much, really, and I am trying to behave professionally through all this crap!"  
  
  
Spock tilted his head a fraction more and regarded Jim calmly. Jim took a deep breath and gazed back.  
  
  
At last Spock nodded sharply and started to pull off his tunic.  
  
"I am willing to assist you, Captain. The former mind-meld with my older self might make this act more helpful than any other."  
  
He frowned a little at Jim and threw his tunic away, grabbing his black undershirt.  
  
"Your continuing psychological and emotional welfare is of utmost importance in this situation."  
  
  
Jim was just staring. He couldn't believe his luck.  
  
Then he started to strip in record time. Spock’s gaze was nearly sarcastic as he calmly stated:  
  
"I have to admit I did not think the probability of you holding out for more than ten days without periodic sexual satisfaction to be very high."  
  
  
Jim snorted and said:  
  
"I prefer to bottom, that okay with you?"  
  
  
Spock’s sharp nod was answer enough. They were both naked from the waist up now, Spock just shedding the rest of his clothes methodically, Jim now and then completely distracted by Spock's fair, slightly greenish skin and tight, muscular build.  
  
  
Spock was naked before Jim and waited calmly. Then Jim jumped him and used every bit of information he'd had time to gather about Vulcans.   
  
He pressed himself against the slightly taller man, nibbling at his ears and softly touching his hands.  
  
  
Spock lowered his head until his brow rested on Jims shoulder, and his fingers stroked Jim's gently, slowly. Jim smiled and licked Spock’s throat, pressing his body harder against Spock's, both now completely erect.  
  
  
He whispered against Spock's hot skin,  
  
"I can take a lot. You don't need to hold back at all. Remember how you thrashed me on the bridge? I was kind of turned on. And whatever you do will be erased come tomorrow. So please, please make this real... don't hold back."  
  
  
Spock's growl sounded strained and for a second he looked like he was in pain, then he suddenly grabbed Jim, lifted him up and threw him onto the bed.  
  
Jim laughed happily and wiggled onto his stomach.  
  
  
And then he learned what a horribly great idea it had been to tell the Vulcan not to hold back.   
  
There must have been some lingering resentment. Maybe even about Jim not acting fast enough to rescue the planet.  
  
  
Spock was  _rough_. He had a really big cock, and though he had lube, he didn't take enough time stretching Jim, so there was pain through all the throbbing lust. There wasn't any telepathy, just hard fucking. And Spock was a biter, and no, he didn't hold back there, either.  
  
  
His hands, stronger than any human’s, were probably leaving dents in Jim's hips.  
  
It was perfect. Jim mewled, whimpered and groaned, bucked against Spock's hard thrusts and tried to give as much as he got.  
  
  
When Spock accidentally found out about Jim really liking to be held down, he used it, even shaking Jim a little like a disobedient cat.  
  
And Jim spilt helplessly on the sheets, without once having touched his own erection.  
  
  
Spock growled again, sped up a little, and the pain outgrew Jim's pleasure. He grimaced and enjoyed every second of it. Then Spock made a tiny, broken sound, came and collapsed hard on Jim.  
  
  
It hurt when he pulled out, but then he manhandled Jim into a spooning position and stroked his face.  
  
"Jim," he whispered.  
  
"Spock," Jim sighed appreciatively. "That was exactly what I needed."  
  
  
Spock was silent for a moment, then he croaked, his voice still so unexpectedly brittle,  
  
"No, it was not. I have probably worsened the problem..."  
  
And suddenly his fingers skipped to the position used for the mind-meld.  
  
"You are not... hurt," Spock breathed, obviously a bit reassured.  
  
"Nah. Told you. I can take it."  
  
  
He could feel Spock's breath on his neck, and he noticed the tiny huff. The fingers ghosted over the mind-meld position again and while Jim was still saying "Don't, Spock..." he had already skimmed his mind again.  
  
  
The small sound Spock made was one Jim would not have expected of a humanoid. Pure animalistic sorrow made Jim's whole body flinch. Spock flung himself from the bed.  
  
"Why?!"  
  
Jim sighed and started to get up.  
  
"I thought it would help."  
  
"That is a lie. You... GET OUT!"  
  
  
Jim stood naked in front of Spock, who didn't cry, but nonetheless showed more pure pain than Jim had ever seen anywhere. Jim felt ice-cold dread settle in his stomach.  
  
"God, Spock, I'm sorry, I-"  
  
"Get out! Get OUT!"  
  
Spock's teeth were bared, his dark eyes full of hurt, his face a grimace of self-loathing and agony.  
  
  
Jim grabbed his clothes, hopped into his trousers and fled. The quiet groan that followed him sounded like somebody dying.  
  
He dressed in the corridor, as quickly as possible.  
  
  
  
  
It was so hard not to think. And he needed to not think more than anything right now. Going to Bones was out of the question, he just wouldn't have been able to survive having Leonard right now just to lose him again come morning, and maybe, maybe he didn't even deserve-  
  
He really needed to not think.  
  
  
Jim walked to the mess to get smashed, and ran into Chekov on the way.  
  
"Keptin!" The kid was smiling brightly. "I have found you! We might have inwented a way to shield our energy core!"  
  
"Awesome, kid! I was on the way to get something to drink. Walk with me and tell me all about it!"  
  
  
The idea of course was brilliant. Jim had a hard time following the flow of heavily accented words. It took some time and a lot of illustrations on Chekov’s PADD to explain the space-time shield. Apparently Jim's engineers and scientists had no idea what the Dogators' weapon did, exactly, but knew enough by know to try to shield against it.  
  
  
Jim was through his third clear vodka when Chekov was done and said,  
  
"Zat is about it, Keptin. May I ask..."  
  
"Sure, shoot."  
  
"Are you drinking wodka?"  
  
"Yep. Thought it appropriate."  
  
  
Jim grinned at him. Chekov’s intense gaze lingered for a second. Then he exclaimed:  
  
"Yes! I will have one, too, to celebrate!"  
  
He jogged to the replicator and brought back a very big glass and an even bigger bottle.  
He saluted Jim with the glass half filled and knocked it back like water.  
  
  
Jim blinked and sniggered, sharing a wide grin with Chekov.  
  
"You're something, kid."  
  
"So are you, Keptin!"  
  
"Ah, Jesus, call me Jim, at least while we're drinking."  
  
"Aye, then you call me Pavel!"  
  
"Pavel. Alright."  
  
  
They shared a few more sips; well, Jim was sipping. Pavel knocked back another big drink. Jim took a shivering breath and asked,  
  
"Are you this innocent or are you a really good faker?"  
  
Pavel blinked at him.  
  
"I'm sorry?"  
  
"Are you?"  
  
Chekov frowned and tried to make sense of his captain.  
  
"I might have misunderstood your question, Keptin... Jim?"  
  
  
Jim leant forward a bit and said very articulately, if a little quiet:  
  
"Have you ever had dirty, filthy sex?"  
  
The kid grew a hilarious shade of deep red up to his ears and down to his collar.  
  
"No! I haven't! I mean, I'm no wirgin, but- why are you asking!"  
  
"You’re probably what I should have been, at your age. Nice kid."  
  
  
Jim leant back again and his gaze drifted through the large room. The number of people in there that he had fucked exceeded the number of those he hadn't now by a large margin.  
  
"Something went wrong, one day, Pavel. Really, really wrong. 'N now I'm just..."  
  
He looked at Chekov again and lifted one corner of his mouth before downing the rest of his drink.  
  
  
"Don't trust me. Walk away now, Pavel. I've fucked a lot of people on this ship by now, and nobody will ever know about it. Give me too much freedom, hand me an opportunity, and I know no boundaries. Take care not to be alone with me, kid. You're far too cute to pass up."  
  
Jim's laugh was dark, humorless and dangerous.  
  
"Oh, but you'll have forgotten all about this little conversation tomorrow, won't you..."  
  
Chekov’s eyes had grown larger with every word. For a long second nothing happened. Then Jim scoffed and poured himself a new drink and Chekov bolted, running from the mess like a rabbit.  
  
  
  
  
It had taken a long time for him to get back to his quarters, hours later, and he sighed contentedly as the door closed behind him. He called for light and raised his eyebrows at the sight of Uhura, who sat on his couch, staring at him darkly.  
  
  
Jim started to say something, but a neat hit to the neck felled him and he tumbled forward to the floor. Two precise kicks made his world explode in pain. Then someone grabbed his hair and yanked him up until he could see the murder in Sulu's eyes.  
  
  
"And to think," the helmsman hissed, "that I respected you. You were a hero to me!"  
  
  
Uhura said very calmly from her comfortable place on the couch,  
  
"You know, Kirk, I think I can understand where you come from. We had a talk about you, all those that considered themselves your friends. We could see that you needed help, but we just had no idea how to do it. And you are just as helpless."  
  
  
Sulu let him fall to the floor again, where he just groaned and tried to curl up. Sulu's heavy breathing spoke of hate and killing intent. Jim couldn't see clearly, the alcohol and the vicious kicks taking their toll.  
  
But he heard Uhura’s long boots come nearer on his soft carpet. She put one of them on the side of his head, putting exquisitely painful pressure on his throbbing skull.  
  
  
"But there are limits, Kirk. Those any decent human being would never cross! Pavel was crying when we left him. You terrified him beyond belief. And I sure hope that Spock really will have forgotten about this day when we loop again, or so help me God, I will kill you."  
  
  
It was the calmness of her voice that really got to him.   
  
Sulu's silent, helpless rage.   
  
The helmsman snarled, it was half a sob, too, and kicked into Kirks middle again with all that he had - which was a lot.  
  
  
Uhura whispered,  
  
"Hikaru, please."  
  
Sulu half-snarled again and destroyed something fragile outside of Jim's range of vision. Probably his framed Captain's commission.  
  
  
Jim heard his own laboured breathing and noticed with some astonishment that he was really, truly afraid.  
  
  
Uhura took a deep breath and her voice wavered.  
  
"How could you. He's not as tough as he looks, you of all people should know that! You are the one person, the _one_  friend he let come near himself, although or maybe even because you have seen him at his worst and stayed with him... How could you!"  
  
For a moment she sobbed violently, just two or three times, but enough for a déjà-vu so strong it was more like a flashback.  
  
  
Dogators, a few paces away. Bones in danger, and white-blue disorientation.  
  
Bones' small voice, Uhura’s sobbing, and yes, then suddenly her snarl,  
  
"You stupid slut!" He heard it right now, overlapping with the memory of it.  
  
What had come then? Spock fervently assuring him of his friendship, highly unlikely as it was, Chekov screaming in rage, Sulu trying to whisper something, Bones, God, Bones...  
  
  
Jim made some kind of protective gesture against the onslaught of déjà-vu, and the pressure of the boot went away.  
  
Uhura hissed near to his ear,  
  
"You're a rapist, Kirk. Nothing but a monster. But Spock still sees some light in you. And maybe this situation is too much for someone as weak as you are. So here it is. We will forget anything you do, yes. But that does not mean there are no consequences!  _You_  will remember everything! And every time you take somebody’s trust and kill it, something inside of you will die, too!"  
  
  
Sulu's voice was completely foreign to him. Ice-cold and stone-hard.  
  
"I will believe in you again, tomorrow. I will follow you to hell and back. If you walk into darkness or not is your choice, Kirk."  
  
  
Uhura’s voice had a quiet pleading in it.  
  
"Think. And for God's sake, take responsibility for yourself, just once. You manage a crew, you manage a ship, you even handle space battles, fights, negotiations, it just can't be impossible for you to do this!"  
  
  
Sulu carried on where Uhura had left off,  
  
"If you really hurt Pavel, then there is nothing left of you to redeem. Maybe it's already too late. But you  _can_ get us out of here! And now you really owe it to us."  
  
Now it was Sulu's voice near his ear.  
  
"Do you think you’ll wake up tomorrow if you die here, right now? We won't take any chances. But it would take longer than an hour for you to die from the kind of injury I gave you. And nobody will come for you, I’ll take care of that. If you wake up tomorrow, fucking get the fact that that new day is a new  _chance_ , asshole."  
  
  
His voice dropped into a level of growling that made Jim think of nothing but bulldogs.  
  
"And  _never_  even  _look_  at Pavel the wrong way again!"  
  
  
He stalked out of the room, the door swishing closed behind him. A few seconds ticked by. Jim concentrated on breathing, hurting far too much to even groan or whimper anymore. He was probably crying again, he couldn't see straight, and he could just think of one thing.  
  
Bones. He wanted Bones to come and help him. Or just to come. Just to be near him.  
  
  
He startled and howled shortly in response to the movement when Uhura spoke. He hadn't thought she was still there.  
  
"We're here, Kirk," she whispered. "We're all here. Don't fuck this up."  
  
Then the door closed a second time, and he knew she wouldn't send help, either.  
  
  
  
  
That hour was the longest of his life. He lost consciousness a few times, tried to move only once and then gave up, and his brain wouldn't leave him in peace.  
  
He just couldn't. He was so unbelievably alone, surrounded by people, God, she had said 'friends,' hadn't she. Who had that been? Spock, apparently, Uhura, Sulu, maybe even Chekov, with his kind eyes, going to get himself a drink instead of leaving his Captain to drown his sorrow alone. Leonardleonardleonard, oh, and all those he really liked but who didn't know him at all until he approached them. Di Gliani and Beckman, Charice and Thomas, Scotty and Keenser, and so, so many more.  
  
All those he considered kids although he wasn't all that much older. Safra with his hero worship in his eyes. Tionne with double the space time under his belt than Jim and still looking at him for recognition.  
  
  
He wasn't a total fuckup. He was a good captain, normally. Really good with strategies, battles, imagining scenarios in space, without borders or up and down. He was brilliant, no, really, he was.  
  
But.  
  
He really shouldn't think.  
  
But.  
  
He was sexy, too! Knew how to make anyone feel so very good.  
  
But.  
  
And he was good with animals, surprising as it was. And with kids!  
  
But.  
  
He wanted Bones to be with him. This felt like dying alone.  
  
But he didn't deserve Bones. Maybe he really actually had no self-respect.  
  
Jim didn't move, just rasped his breaths, in, out, in, out, his thoughts whirling.   
He couldn't win against the Dogators. He had spent nearly two months now doing little else but thinking about how he might be able to, but it all amounted to them controlling the loop.  
  
  
There it was, the true no-win- scenario, and whatever else it might not make him - afraid, losing his head, stupid - it made him cruel. Selfishly crossing any borders to search for something that grew more elusive with everything he tried.  
  
He'd had it, once.  
  
 _I'm here. You're mine. Everything will be fine._  
  
And lost it, come morning. And he just knew he would never be brave enough to go and get it again.  
  
  
God, he just wanted Bones to be there with him. Just wanted his voice mumbling soothing nonsense.  
  
But.


	5. Day Fifty-Seven

The absence of pain was breathtaking. For the first time Jim didn't react instantly to the red alarm and the call to the bridge.  
  
He was alive. He was relatively pain-free, if he ignored the bruise from the training he couldn't even remember all that well anymore.  
  
A few seconds ticked by and at last he rolled out of bed and started the routine.  
  
He asked Tionne to schedule the meeting for an hour later, though, and instead of walking to the mess, he went to the bridge. He hadn't been there all that much in the last, God, fifty-seven days.  
  
Spock called his arrival, and Jim stopped right in front of the lift.  
  
Sulu was at the helm, bringing them a little farther away from the bigger debris of the Dogators' ship. His brow was furrowed in concentration. Chekov sent Jim a nod and a short, bright, free smile. Jim nodded back, had to swallow and locked eyes with Spock, who tilted his head and said,  
  
"I assume you will explain this in the upcoming briefing, Captain?"  
  
Jim nodded a few times, gazing at his usual, completely normal bewilderment. His eyes skipped to Uhura, who watched him, frowning but, yes, trusting. Tionne was still there, apparently too thrown to even try to report. He stood to attention, even though Jim had told him time and time again to be at ease around him, long before the loop even started.  
  
  
Slowly he started moving to the chair, standing in front of it, gazing at the pitiful remains of the aggressors.  
  
"Lt. Uhura, a word in private, please."  
  
He heard her standing up and coming to him.  
  
"Captain?"  
  
He nodded slowly, still staring at the darkly red-glowing wreckage. Then he turned to her, watched her openly and very, very seriously.  
  
  
  
  
He took her to his own quarters, offered his visitor's chair and sat down behind his desk.  
  
"Lieutenant, we are trapped in a time loop. This is the fifty-seventh time I am experiencing this particular day. I will explain the details in the general briefing."  
  
  
Her eyes were big, her attention completely on him, her back ramrod straight.  
  
"In the last loop it came to my attention that core crew held a meeting about my state of mind, which is, I have to say, degenerating rapidly."  
  
His gaze slipped from her, darting through the room.  
  
"I have made stupid attempts to remedy my... loneliness."  
  
The ghost of his old, charming grin was all he could muster up.  
  
"You might know I am quite the social animal, and every loop sets me further apart from every other person in this universe."  
  
  
He couldn't stand the compassion in her bright eyes, so he looked away again.  
  
"Now... I face a horrible dilemma. I can't stay apart this much. But I also cannot... deepen relationships of any kind, just to face the diminishing of them the moment the next loop comes."  
  
He gazed at the ceiling and whispered,  
  
"I'm not strong enough for that, apparently..."  
  
He could hear her inhaling to say something, so he lifted a hand.  
  
"I even found true love, one loop. But nobody but me remembers."  
  
  
And suddenly there was nothing else for him to say. He felt like a complete failure. Weaker than he ever had. His whole chest seemed to scream for Bones to come and help him, but he just couldn't...  
  
She stood up and came around the table, grabbing the back of his head when he swiveled his chair to look at her questioningly, and then she pulled him up into a hug.  
  
And what a hug it was. First class, really. She didn't say anything, she just pressed her whole body against his, clutching his hair and his back, letting him wrap his arms around her.  
It should have felt sexual, but it wasn't at all. He could see his instinctive responses trying to rear their ugly heads.  
  
He could have used this, turned it into something very sexy indeed, but he really didn't want to.  
  
So he dared to let this be just a hug. Tight and warm and nothing else. Something shook his whole body for a second, and she just hugged him tighter. Then, when he finally couldn't stand it anymore, he started to let go of her, and she stood back a little, laying one hand on his cheek and gazing at him with so much feeling, and no pity at all.  
  
"What do you need?"  
  
It felt like a gift. It was Chekov jumping up to get a drink. Spock tilting his head and hesitating. Scotty trying to make him grin by swearing funnier from loop twenty-one on. Bones whispering his praise. Countless crewmembers telling him their secrets, all of them  _knowing_  they would forget that they had ever told him.  
  
  
"I used to..."  
  
He swallowed, lost his voice, had to start again.  
  
"I... things like this, I used them..."  
  
He stared at her imploringly, unable to explain himself further. She combed her fingers through his hair, the other hand still on his shoulder, and frowned a little.  
  
"For what?"  
  
"Sex."  
  
He tried his grin again, but he could feel his face muscles failing at it.  
  
  
Her lips tightened, and shit, there it was, the pity. But she just asked,  
  
"Was it worth it?"  
  
"Well, I certainly felt better than I do now. You know, I would have..."  
  
Her eyebrows raised to get him to complete the sentence, and he mumbled,  
  
"Really made you feel good."  
  
She grinned, then, honestly amused, and teased,  
  
"I never doubted that. Not even in Iowa. I bet you’re a bomb in bed, Jim. But there are better things than that. And I don't take sex lightly."  
  
He nodded mindlessly, his gaze skidding to the floor again. He felt too numb to be ashamed.  
  
  
She squared her shoulders and said in a no-nonsense voice,  
  
"This now, this here is wonderful. I feel truly honored that you felt you could talk to me like this. Honestly. And it feels really good to be able to make a difference for you."  
  
He could see the tiny insecurity in her eyes and he nodded, smiling back.  
  
"You are. Thank you."  
  
"See? Now you  _did_  make me feel good, and that will keep."  
  
  
He grimaced tightly.  
  
"Yes. Until tomorrow morning."  
  
She winced and stroked his chin a last time before stepping back entirely.  
  
"Talk to me tomorrow morning, then. I am quite sure I will hug you again."  
  
Now Jim had to tilt his head and his voice was slowly starting to find his old confidence again.  
  
"You know, I really thought you despised me."  
  
"Never. You’re far too much comic relief for that."   
  
He snorted and her grin grew somber again.  
  
"No, really. I can see what this... loop did to you. I think anybody could. And by the way? It's 'Nyota'."  
  
They shared a laugh at that, but Jim had to sit down again, and his laughter turned slightly hysterical.  
  
"God, you just have no idea what I did to you, what I did to  _Spock_..."  
  
She went back to her chair and sat down again, too.  
  
"Was it bad?"  
  
He nodded, his eyes clinging to her in near despair.  
  
"Want to tell me?"  
  
He shook his head.  
  
"You  _will_  despise me, then."  
  
  
She took a deep breath.  
  
"Well, ignorance and bliss. And everybody has a dark beast inside of them. I think it would take little to make me do truly violent things... so, Jim, you're forgiven. If you learn from it!"  
  
"Yes, ma'am," he grinned. Then he stood up.  
  
"Thank you, Lieutenant. So much. Dismissed."  
  
She nodded at him and walked out.  
  
Jim put both hands on his desk and tried to gather up the pieces of himself that were floating around him. He'd hit rock bottom in the last loop, and she and Sulu had driven the point home, yes.  
  
Who was he now? How would he cope with this?  
  
He remembered Bones snarling at him that he lacked self-respect. But who in their right mind would respect someone like him? Jim shook his head a little. That wasn’t important right now. He had a ship to save and a crew to brief.  
  
  
  
  
Later that loop Nyota came by his desk, where Spock was sending the reports that his team had shortened and summarized for him. He had both hands buried in his hair and his mouth was silently forming the words he was trying to memorize.  
  
She sat down, waited for him to lift his head, and asked,  
  
"Captain, would you tell me again the exact words and impressions that were passed on the very first meeting?"  
  
Jim leant back and tried to do so, this time not even leaving out the strange déjà-vus he'd had.  
  
She nodded slowly and her voice was tight.  
  
"Sir... if all else fails, my professional opinion is that the Dogators might negotiate if we surrender."  
  
Jim closed his eyes and his chin touched his breastbone for a second. Then he shared a calm look with her and nodded once.  
  
"Thank you, Lieutenant."  
  
  
  
  
He saved Safra's eyes. He repaired the door.   
He shared an in-joke with Thomas and his best buddies, completely forgetting that he hadn't been privy to those pre-loop. But they all grinned like lunatics, very happy lunatics at that, puffed out their chests and invited him to basketball rugby, which he declined, laughing.  
  
  
He spent the evening playing chess with Bones, comfortably telling him some of the funnier anecdotes of the loops, completely leaving out anything sexual. And yet... the looks they exchanged were somehow heavier. And he could smell Leonard even across the table.   
  
Aftershave and grumpy physician.  
  
  
When Chekov handed him the reports of the timespace shield, which would enable the science team to build the device for the first time in the coming loop, they shared a vodka and a friendly chat.  
  
  
Jim waited for the feeling... he waited for something to tell him what a faker he was, how filthy and manipulative... but it never came.  
  
  
Later, when he was studying his memorization notes from this loop, Spock came by.  
  
He inclined his head in greeting and didn't tiptoe around.  
  
"I had an interesting conversation with Lt. Uhura."  
  
Jim sighed and sat down on his couch.  
  
"That so."  
  
"Indeed. She said you had mentioned having inflicted something upon me. I must admit to being curious."  
  
  
Well, maybe this loop had worked too well.  
  
"I raped you."  
  
Spock blinked at him, and something twitched across his lips.  
  
"Captain, with all respect, I do not think you could subdue me. Simple physical differences."  
  
Jim nodded slowly.  
  
"I didn't wrestle you down, no. I talked you into it. Twisted your trust into a tool to make you..."  
  
  
Spock's head twitched to one side and he suggested calmly,  
  
"...submit?"  
  
"Nah, you fucked me. But it was still rape."  
  
Spock blinked once, shifted his weight and asked,  
  
"Did it help?"  
  
Jim stared at him, and somehow his head started to hurt, his chest screaming again. His voice failed to carry the word, but Spock saw him voice it.  
  
"No."  
  
  
Spock frowned a little.  
  
Jim broke eye contact and muttered,  
  
"I don't even know why I tried it. I thought... maybe I just..."  
  
"Was there a connection to the mind-meld you experienced with my older self?"  
  
"Not really, though I used that excuse, yeah."  
  
  
Spock was staring at him. Then he suddenly said,  
  
"I shall remain, now and forever, your friend."  
  
Jim was too shocked to respond with anything, and his ears were full of white noise, drowning the world out a bit.  
  
The hull breaching. Chekov screaming. Sulu choking on his own blood. Bones apologizing and saying his last words.  
  
Spock grew stiffer with every passing moment, so Jim suddenly felt compelled to jump up and walk the few steps to him. He kept from hugging him in the last moment, just laying one hand on his upper arm.  
  
"I'm... that's..."  
  
He still didn't know what to say, though. Then he frowned heavily and asked,  
  
"You did hear me, right? Rape?"  
  
Spock tilted his head a fraction.  
  
"Captain- Jim. I do not remember anything like this. I much prefer not to. But I never deluded myself into believing a friendship with you would be anything but rocky."  
  
Jim snorted and let go of Spock’s arm.  
  
"Rocky, he says."  
  
"Lt. Uhura mentioned in passing that you might not be aware of this... decision of mine."  
  
  
Jim looked at him from below and smiled tightly.  
  
"I knew. But thank you for telling me anyway."  
  
Spock nodded. A tiny frown skidded over his brow, so Jim asked,  
  
"What?"  
  
Spock blinked and asked,  
  
"Are you?"  
  
Jim blinked right back and then exclaimed,  
  
"What, your friend? Man, are you kidding me? Of course I am!"  
  
Spock’s nod was without any frown this time.  
  
"Very well. I will leave you to your work, then."  
  
Jim didn't know how to keep him from leaving, and he probably needed the time to process anyway, so he just smiled at him.  
  
  
  
  
That evening he couldn't sleep. Around two in the morning he walked in his PJ's two decks down to the CMO's quarters, used his override to walk right in and shoved Bones over to make room for him.  
  
  
Bones woke up with a jerk and stared at him in the near darkness.  
  
"What the hell, Jim!"  
  
"Can I sleep here, Leonard?"  
  
Jim put on his best puppy eyes, but tried not to overdo them.  
  
  
Bones stared some more. Then he asked in a throaty, bewildered voice,  
  
"'Leonard'?!"  
  
"Yeah, sorry, you told me to call you that, one loop. Well, you told me to call you McCoy, another one, but I really hope it never comes to that again."  
  
Jim cuddled shamelessly and whispered,  
  
"Missed you."  
  
Bones was anything but relaxed, but he pulled him nearer and started to pet his hair hesitantly.  
  
Jim was asleep in minutes.


	6. Day Fifty-Eight

He woke with a smile, until he recognized that it had not been a voice calling him, but the direct hit of a torpedo that had woken him up.  _Now_  he heard Jessica’s voice,  
  
"We are under attack! Red alert! All Alpha shift personnel to their stations!"  
  
  
Jim skipped the coffee and the underwear and ran to the bridge. There he relieved Tionne and started to bark out orders. Sulu nearly jumped into his seat, his Gamma colleague leaving the bridge in a hurry.  
  
From the moment Pavel and Spock arrived, Jim used every other sentence to dictate the buildup of the timespace shield to the science personnel.  
  
They were shooting back all they had and Jim watched for the perfect moment to start an all-crew transmission.  
  
Then he said,  
  
"This is the Captain speaking. We are trapped in a time loop. Core personnel experienced this exact day fifty-seven times before today. Prepare to react to surprising orders at any moment. There is no time to brief everyone accordingly, but I happen to know from experience: I can count on all of you. We will get these bastards. If not today, then tomorrow. Captain Kirk out."  
  
Then he resumed his recitation, and when Spock had to discuss a part of a longer equation with his team for a few moments, he said,  
  
"Nyota, hail the Dogators, use a picture of one human being and one bigger humanoid with a long snout, holding their hands up in greeting."  
  
"Yessir."  
  
  
The Enterprise was still the stronger ship, but Scotty reported alarming decreases of the energy core output.  
  
Jim had Thomas put together a large raiding party. Keenser and Scotty were working on the shield to protect their core, and he had Pavel calculate transporter coordinates for the raid.  
  
One look to Nyota resulted in a headshake from her, so he gave the conn to Sulu and took Spock with him to the transporter room. On their way there Spock started to lay into him.  
  
"Captain. I suspect when you said core personnel had experienced this... time loop, you meant only yourself. You cannot be a part of this mission under any circumstances."  
  
"I know," Jim bit out. "If you fail, we’ll shoot their ship apart. Spock... I am relatively sure that you will be back the moment the loop starts anew. But do try your best to come back."  
  
Spock nodded calmly.  
  
"And be careful, they are some kind of telepaths, and they have drugs they can throw."  
  
Spock nodded again and started to gather up the team to beam over there.  
  
  
Jim used all his knowledge of the men that made up the raiding team to boost up their spirits and didn’t wait for them to leave.  
  
His heart was racing and his back started to hurt from stiffness as he jogged back up onto the bridge.  
  
  
He'd just sent his men out, all on their own. They didn't know a thing about the enemy, and he had just let them go.  
  
It was so unbelievably hard to trust in them like this.  
  
  
Sulu was sitting at the helm, leaving the captain's chair empty, and barking out orders, while the Enterprise danced a dangerous waltz with the bigger enemy vessel.  
  
  
Jim walked over to science and quietly recited the most important parts of the loop briefing to them. Everything Spock and his men had found out about the enemy weapons, what Chekov had calculated about the loops, Chapel’s finds concerning the drug and so on.  
  
  
Suddenly Uhura reported,  
  
"Captain, the away team reports important data found, three wounded, beaming back right now. Commander Spock is attempting to gather more information with the rest."  
  
Jim turned to her and held her eyes, nodding once. He didn't know for sure what to do, and his instincts hadn't fully adjusted to loop possibilities. But his gut had an opinion.  
  
"Could he send back any findings, even if he couldn't make it back?"  
  
"Possibly, yes."  
  
Her eyes were big and just this side of pleading. Jim straightened up from the science station and calmly stated,  
  
"He’ll be back anyway tomorrow."  
  
She nodded and swiveled around to relay his orders.  
  
  
Jim's eyes darted to the big screen. This was his element again, at last. He could watch his hindbrain plan the next few dozen steps in different directions, depending on how the following minutes developed.  
  
  
Suddenly Chekov hissed a vicious, Russian curse, turned and reported,  
  
"Keptin, we have just lost four transporter signals. Ze crewmen are not dead."  
  
Jim closed his eyes for a second.  
  
"But captured."  
  
"Aye, Keptin."  
  
  
A wave of palpable, ice-cold fury went through the bridge.  
  
Jim decided to send the next team through with bombs.  
  
"Which crewmen?"  
  
"Commander Spock, Lieutenant Serkin, Ensign Gregorius, Crewman Sadamoto."  
  
  
Jim didn't even try to catch the reaction of the crew.  
  
"Spock," he said, his voice expressionless. Then he ordered, "All others beam back immediately."  
  
Chekov nodded and turned away again.  
  
Science reported the energy shield built up and engaging. And right after that Chekov again,  
  
"Ze away team is back, all but the four POWs, Keptin."  
  
  
Jim sat down in his chair and said, very calmly and very, very clearly,  
  
"Sulu, shoot everything we have. Engineering, assume that we do not need to move this ship anywhere at all ever again and invent some way for us to destroy these bastards as soon as possible."  
  
  
It had been a horrible mistake to send Spock over. He just bet the Dogators could read his mind with more ease than any others.  
  
  
Chekov’s voice had a little crack as he suddenly said,  
  
"Keptin, we have lost Commander Spock's life signal."  
  
Jim could hear Nyota not reacting at all. Perversely he also felt his back relaxing a little. Engineering reported something about expulsing energy cores and exploding them in the immediate vicinity of the enemy ship. Not new, that, it was nearly the same strategy that had saved them from the Narada's black hole.  
  
And it would leave them defenseless.  
  
Jim missed Spock fiercely as he asked,  
  
"Probability of success?"  
  
Engineering said,  
  
"Scotty says, not bad."  
  
  
Jim refrained from rolling his eyes. Chekov took a fast, deep breath and exclaimed,  
  
"Around sixty percent, Keptin."  
  
Jim shook his head.  
  
"Not good enough. Sulu, report."  
  
"Shields at 67 percent, Captain, theirs are worse off. We’re chipping away at them."  
  
  
And every second that ticked by the Dogators gathered more information about them than they ever had, probably ruthlessly combing through the minds of Angela, Thomas and Yukiko.  
  
"Estimated time until we destroy them?"  
  
Sulu hesitated for a second, his lips moving, then he said,  
  
"Ten minutes. Fifteen, tops."  
  
  
Chekov's voice burst out of the kid again.  
  
"Keptin, ze material ze away team gathered suggests zat we may be able to destroy their shields, if we-"  
  
"I don't care how, try it!"  
  
Chekov nodded sharply, his fingers dancing over the console. Sulu was still firing like a dragon, all other stations frantically at work, too.  
  
  
Jim stood up again and said,  
  
"Our goal has to be to destroy them as fast as possible, without giving them any new advantage. If anyone else has any ideas that don't endanger us, just do it! Don't waste time asking permission!"  
  
He raised some nods, then some kind of lights flickered over the main monitor and Sulu's hits damaged the Dogators worse than before.  
  
  
Someone from science sent something to Chekov’s station, Chekov gave Sulu some cue, and the next torpedo that was shot utterly annihilated the Dogators.  
  
  
There wasn't even much debris left. Someone from science hissed,  
  
"YESSS!"  
  
Jim thought: Angela. Thomas. Yukiko.  
  
  
Then he barked the usual orders. Damage reports, information summarized and briefings scheduled.  
  
When everyone was busy preparing for the upcoming meeting, he went over to Nyota.  
  
  
"Lieutenant," he asked quietly. "A word in private?"  
  
She nodded without looking at him and stood up.  
  
  
  
  
This time he hugged her.  
  
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I promise this is a loop, Nyota, he’ll be back tomorrow and you won't even remember losing him."  
  
She nodded at his shoulder, completely tensed up, not saying anything.  
  
  
"You know, last loop, you hugged me. Told me to learn from my mistakes. And to call you Nyota. I'm still very grateful for that."  
  
She nodded again, hiding her face on his uniform shirt, and he could feel the wetness spreading there.  
  
  
"Why did they kill him so fast?" Jim mused.  
  
"They didn't." Her voice couldn't hide her crying at all. "He must have stopped his own heart when he thought..."  
  
Jim blinked. He hadn't known Spock could do that.  
  
  
He took a deep breath, holding her close, and mumbled,  
  
"Next loop we'll send a bomb."  
  
She nodded again, trying in vain to hide her hiccups. He nuzzled her hair and whispered,  
  
"I'm so sorry I didn't go with them."  
  
  
She snorted.  
  
"Don't be stupid. God... Kirk... promise me I won't remember tomorrow..."  
  
"I promise."  
  
  
He just hoped to God that lives lost in one loop came back in the next. That was the one thing they hadn't tested yet.  
  
And he couldn't afford doubting that, now. If it didn't work like that he would have to deal with a whole shitload of new problems next loop.  
Right now he had a friend's grief to soothe.  
  
  
  
  
This briefing was the best he'd had so far. His crew was just working so well, and everybody felt it. Like well oiled gear wheels, one mind cueing the next, and Jim juggling all their personalities.  
  
  
He went to Thomas's secret girlfriend, who was manning a station down in the engine room.  
  
"Claudia," he murmured, touching her petite shoulder. She turned, startled, her wide, wet blue eyes staring at him in shock.   
  
"Listen, this time loop thing? It also means that Thomas didn't really die. You just have to live through today, and tomorrow everything will be the same as this morning, five hundred."  
  
  
Her mouth was a little open, and she kept on staring, but the wetness grew more until fat tears spilt over her charming cheeks.  
  
Then she pressed her lips together and choked out,  
  
"Thank you, Captain!"  
  
He nodded at her, squeezed her shoulder for a second and went on.   
  
  
Safra's eyes were next, then Yukiko's girlfriend and Angela's brother. He needed to check up on the wounded, and then it was time for the next meeting.  
  
  
Somehow, his spirits rose.  
  
Maybe they  _could_  do this. Although he’d probably have to skip the door on deck eight from now on.  
  
  
  
  
Scotty perfected the energy core weapon, although science and engineering agreed that they would have only one chance with it. It was too closely related to the aliens' weapons and shields for them not to be able to build a countermeasure the following loop.  
  
  
Jim had both hands on the briefing table and stared at the shiny, darkly grey surface of it.   
  
  
Uhura reported that they had not been able to crack the language of the Dogators, and that she would try to give him a memo of their findings to memorize, but she highly doubted that they would be able to do that with just one non-xenolinguistic's mind being the transmitter from loop to loop.  
  
He nodded slowly at that.  
  
  
Chekov had some new ideas for future raiding teams. Those would have to concentrate on hardware instead of soft data. The few parts this team had brought back had already inspired quite a few ideas.  
  
And they would have personal shields, handheld spacetime shredders and suicide bomb switches.  
  
  
Jim's stomach churned at that. Having lost Spock like that and having shot the other three himself was bad enough. A whole team ready to commit suicide on  _capture_? That wasn't only horrible. It was also against everything the Federation believed in. And highly illegal in Starfleet.  
  
  
He looked up. None of his crew seemed to like it, particularly, but all of them were looking at him with fierce determination.  
  
  
Sulu had some kind of newly modified torpedoes, which had been the destroyer in this battle, and promised a memo on them.  
  
  
And then Scotty cleared his throat.  
  
"Capt'n, I think we all agree here... we need to take that ship, in the long haul. We dunnae have any other chance of ever getting out'a this loop thingy."  
  
  
Beckman nodded and said in her quiet voice,  
  
"The long range plan has to be to get all of their equipment while keeping them from interfering. With enough time we’ll be able to dismantle the loop mechanism."  
  
Scotty took over again,  
  
"We’ll never be able to build one a'selves, sir."  
  
Tense silence spread around the table. Chekov mumbled,  
  
"Zat is going to be a very fine line to walk, nyet? We would have to take over ze ship every new loop again, and it is not going to be ze same every loop, zey are just as able to change their tactic as ze Keptin. And zey will."  
  
  
Jim nodded silently.  
  
"Well!" Scotty exclaimed into the insecurity around him. "Then it's a good thing it's the Capt'n that's the one who's aware of the loops, innit right? Seeing as he's the tactics genius and all."  
  
  
Some of Jim's crew nodded seriously at that, others smiled tightly, a whole lot of tenseness dispersed.  
  
Jim had to blink a few times, a little overwhelmed by so much trust in his abilities.  
  
Then he grinned and said,  
  
"They won't know what hit them."  
  
  
His crew left the meeting in very high spirits. Jim practically ran to the Medbay.  
  
  
  
  
"Hi Bones, I need you a moment, sorry Chapel, you take over here, come on Bones, comeoncomeoncomeon-"  
  
He was dragging Bones along with him while the doctor was still protesting, but Bones shoved his PADD into the hands of his staff and let himself be dragged.  
  
  
"Good God, Jim, where's the fire?"  
  
Jim pressed his lips together and kept himself from saying anything until they had reached Bones' quarters. His friend was growing more worried with every step, but kept silent for the rest of the hurried walk, too.  
  
  
Once inside, Jim locked the door, shed his tunic and his boots and knelt in front of Bones.  
  
He felt better that very moment.   
  
  
Letting his head hang low he said,  
  
"Once I seduced you. And you took me. You said... you said I was yours. Called me your good boy. Said... everything would be fine."  
  
He could hear his breathing getting louder and for once felt blessed with the ability to act first and think later.  
  
  
"Bones... Leonard... I need..."  
  
Suddenly Leonard was standing right in front of him, one hand softly combing through Jims hair.  
  
"Tell me more, Jim," he asked quietly.  
  
  
Jim cleared his throat, stared at Leonard's boots and could feel himself growing hard already.  
  
"You, uhm, well, the first time I went about it the wrong way, and you were mad, but you still... let me jerk off, afterwards. Uhm, thanks. The next time I did better, and you..."  
  
Leonard’s hands moved more strongly now, more confident.  
  
"Well, you fucked me, hard, and had some kind of elastic cock ring on me the whole time. Made me cry. In a good way! And then you made me come in the end."  
  
  
Jim had to look up now, cringed a bit and whispered,  
  
"That was a bit much to take, though, so I ran." His voice died to a croak. "I'm sorry."  
  
  
Leonard’s dark eyes were so intense again.   
  
Jim thought he'd figured out the difference. When he looked at him like this, there was no self-loathing in his eyes. No regrets, no misery. Just Leonard McCoy being himself in that one moment.  
  
  
Jim felt a little humbled to be the one to call up this difference, and surprised at himself for being humbled by anything.  
  
He tried a shy smile.  
  
  
Leonard smiled back, calmly, oh so warmly. Then he asked,  
  
"After that. After you fled. Did you fuck others?"  
  
  
Jim inhaled deeply and stared at Leonard. A part of him just wanted to lie again, comfortable routine that it was. But a much bigger part was so tired. And hopeful. Spock had forgiven him. Nyota had. This might just be his chance... for absolution.  
  
  
"Yes," he croaked. "It was terrible." He could feel his whole body pleading with Leonard.  
  
  
"Tell me."  
  
Jim closed his eyes and whispered,  
  
"I seduced Spock. Lies on top of lies, mixed with enough truth, a dash of guilt-tripping and blatant trust exploitation. He was so... it was horrible, Leonard, such a bad, bad thing to do."  
  
  
Since Leonard didn't say anything to him, Jim gazed up again. Leonard was frowning a little, his hand stilled.  
  
"Did you feel ashamed of it? Guilty?"  
  
"Yes. I thought I was... evil. To the core. Unredeemable."  
  
He looked down again.  
  
"Afterwards, I got drunk. And then I terrified Pavel."  
  
  
Leonard flinched.  
  
"You fucked Pavel Chekov?!"  
  
"No, just made him really afraid. Didn't touch him, but still."  
  
  
Jim’s shoulders were stiffening badly. How could Leonard forgive him for that, now? Maybe he could punish him, maybe that would help. Before Jim could ask for that, though, Leonard lifted Jim’s chin and made him look at him.  
  
  
"If we weren't in a time loop, you would not have been alone with all this for so long. If you would have gotten me to... take you, outside of a loop... Jim, I wouldn't have left you alone long enough for you to become that desperate. This is  _not_  all your fault."  
  
  
Jim had to gasp for air, his lips falling open, his eyes stinging like hell.  
  
Leonard went on, his voice deep and gravelly and so fucking warm.  
  
"I would have taken care of you. Now, Jim, this will be hard, but you have to do as I say."  
  
  
Leonard pulled Jim’s head to his crotch, pressing his cheek against the partially hard bulge in his pants. His voice grew even lower.  
  
  
"You have to be a very, very brave good boy. You have to seek me out every single loop. You have to tell me that you are already mine, since I won't remember. And you have to tell me what's on your mind, every time. If there's something you feel bad about. If you're afraid of something. If you feel lonely or sad or anything. Are you listening?"  
  
  
Jim nodded shakily. Leonard said,  
  
"I know you can do that. You  _are_  that brave. And even if I might forget it,  _you_  will know that you're mine. And that I will treat you right. And care for you. I can promise you that."  
  
  
Jim gasped for air again, brought up his arms to cling to Leonards legs. Leonard huffed a breath and grumbled,  
  
"You were neglected as a child, you know that, right?"  
  
  
Jim couldn't help the shaky laughter.  
  
"Yeah, I know, you told me."  
  
"Did I also tell you that it made you stronger than anyone else and terribly weak at the same time?"  
  
"Uhm, no?"  
  
Jim looked up at him.  
  
  
Leonard caressed his face and said,  
  
"You can't do all this on your own. You really need to have me... own you. Right?"  
  
Jim nodded desperately.  
  
"And this is not just a weakness. It is also a terrible, dangerous strength. Not everyone can give themselves over so completely. Was it frightening to drag me here and confess all that?"  
  
Jim closed his eyes and nodded again.  
  
  
"See, I don't think I would have ever had the courage to just make you mine. To fess up to needing you like this. But you did. And you will, from now on, time and time again, won't you."  
  
Jim smiled up again and tried to lighten up the mood.  
  
"Definitely, if there’s gonna be fucking?"  
  
  
Leonard smirked a little and then became serious again.  
  
"Say it. Say that you’re my brave boy."  
  
Jim could feel his eyes growing bigger. He swallowed dryly and whispered,  
  
"I'm your... brave boy."  
  
"And you are brave enough for this."  
  
"Alright, I'm brave enough for this."  
  
"And strong. Say you're strong."  
  
  
Jim grimaced helplessly and croaked,  
  
"Leonard... I'm really not."  
  
Leonard clucked his tongue and said,  
  
"Be obedient. Say it."  
  
  
Jim rubbed his cheek against Leonards crotch in an attempt to distract him, but the man only laughed huskily and said,  
  
"Yes, Jim, you will get your reward for this."  
  
  
Jim smirked, took a deep breath and said,  
  
"I'm strong."  
  
"Good boy. Now strip completely."  
  
  
Jim tried a little anticipatory obedience and didn't stand up to do so, letting himself fall back instead to wiggle out of his trousers.  
  
Leonard lifted an eyebrow at the lack of underwear and Jim smirked up at him.  
  
Then the doctor pulled out his examination bed again.  
  
  
Jim crawled to him, feeling very, very good about the rest of the night.  
  
"Stand up and lay your upper body on top of it, legs spread. You may position your cock so that it's comfy, but nothing more."  
  
  
So he jumped up and complied, wiggling his ass a little shamelessly.  
  
Leonard grumbled,  
  
"Yes, yes, I see your pretty backside. Impatient slut."  
  
  
Jim smirked again and lifted himself up on tiptoes, presenting his ass even more. Then Leonard was behind him, spreading him open slowly and gently. When he started to play with Jim's opening again, Jim closed his eyes, feeling utterly content.  
  
  
Then Leonard opened his own fly and pushed all in, so very slowly, but completely unrelenting.  
  
He leant forward and growled near Jim's ear,  
  
"Now, seeing as you were such a bad boy since the last time, I will have to punish you. You might have noticed that you are still getting my cock, so be grateful. As I said, it's not all your fault. But you are very right to feel guilty nonetheless. So you get a good, hard fuck. But nothing else."  
  
  
Jim could feel his balls tightening at those words.  
  
"Do you hear me, Jim? If you shoot your messy load tonight, I will not only punish you far worse than this - and you wouldn't enjoy that at all - I will also be very disappointed. Which you would have to remember. So, what do you do?"  
  
  
A groan escaped before Jim could answer huskily,  
  
"I won't come."  
  
"Good boy. I will fuck you hard, and I just know you could come from just that, but you’ll be brave and obedient and strong and you won't come."  
  
Jim moaned deeply, pressing his face against the foam mattress, and clenched his anus a little.  
  
  
Leonard's breath hitched, then he started to move. He was very slow at first. Both hands gripping Jim's lean hips, Leonard’s long cock sliding nearly all out and then fully in again.  
Then he picked up the pace, and the rhythm grew harder at the same time.  
  
It felt like forever until he was thrusting brutally into Jim, angling to graze his prostate every time.  
  
  
Jim's hands were scrabbling on the surface of the exam table, he was drooling again, his eyes half closed, and every fucking motion of Leonard’s made him moan without any restraint.  
  
  
Somehow the knowledge that he would end up unsatisfied here made everything sharper, more real and brighter.  
  
"God," Leonard hissed. "You. Are so. Fucking! Sexy!"  
  
Jim grinned and then closed his eyes as Leonard pushed into him even harder and moaned with abandon while he came.  
  
  
Jim felt elated. He hadn't come. He'd felt close to admitting defeat and begging for it, but he hadn't.  
  
Leonard pulled him into a standing position, his slowly softening cock still inside him.  
  
Then he grabbed Jim's throat and his cock. Jim let his head fall back onto Leonard's shoulder and whimpered pitifully.  
  
  
Leonard just chuckled, pulled at him a little and muttered,  
  
"Very good, Jim. I'm so proud of you. See, you are strong enough."  
  
Jim closed his eyes again and felt the keen lust in his whole body.  
  
"Now," Leonard mumbled. "It's still quite early. You can take a cold shower or something, but you may not masturbate under any circumstances. Your orgasm is mine to give. Alright?"  
  
  
Jim nodded helplessly and croaked,  
  
"A shower would be much appreciated."  
  
Leonard slipped out of him and petted his ass for a moment.  
  
"Jesus, you really are the hottest." He sounded a little bit pissed off, but like a proud owner at the same time.  
  
  
Jim stretched a bit and glanced at him, smirking when he saw his face. Then he grimaced and tried to walk to the shower, but Leonard kept him from it for a moment.  
  
He grabbed his chin and kissed him. No tongue, no open lips, just a kiss.  
  
  
Jim had to look away from him and flee to the bath, but he couldn't keep the smile from his face.  
  
  
  
  
He didn't sleep in many loops anymore. He was always tired when he woke up, anyway, but rested enough to function properly.   
  
So the very early morning found him still working, trying to plan possible tactics for future scenarios more in-depth, alternating with revising his learning quota.  
  
  
Sometimes someone still brought a late report. Everyone knew what he was doing, so nobody interrupted unless they had to. Spock, Sulu and Tionne managed the ship very well without him.  
  
  
He set the door to just open every time somebody rang, so he wouldn't have to say anything and people could just walk in and lay down their reports onto the others.  
  
  
When someone walked in without leaving, though, Jim finally looked up.  
  
  
It was Bones, watching him with dark eyes. He asked,  
  
"Think you're still loose enough to take me in?"  
  
That went straight to his cock. Jim ran both hands through his hair and wailed,  
  
"God, have you no mercy, man?! Yeah, I am, but I definitely will come this time!"  
  
  
Leonard pursed his lips for a second.  
  
"Yeah, we both know you're a desperate slut. So, bend over, get the trousers down, spread your legs. You're allowed to spill, but don't touch your cock."  
  
Jim stared at him with big eyes and jumped up a second later, throwing reports from his desk and obeying hastily.  
  
  
Leonard chuckled appreciatively and walked behind him. His fly opened and then there was blunt pressure and a hand on Jim's neck. Jim made a completely undignified sound and raised his ass again, pushing against Leonard, his hands grasping the edges of the desk.  
  
  
His own erection was recklessly pressed against the surface of the desk. One hand on his neck and one on his shoulder pulled him back into Leonard’s sudden, harsh thrusts.  
  
  
No gentle preparation, no slow buildup. Just hard, rough fucking.  
  
Jim was moaning helplessly, urging Leonard on, meeting every push and pull.  
  
Leonard growled furiously,  
  
"That what you like?"  
  
"God, yes!"  
  
"That what you need?"  
  
"Yes, please, please!"  
  
"Jim, fuck, Jim..."  
  
  
Jim shut his eyes tightly, made a pressed sound and came messily all over the table. Suddenly Leonard's hand was there, grabbing his cock and pumping, which let his orgasm jump up a few levels while he was already in the middle of it.  
  
Jim just screamed. Leonard proved how unbelievably hard he could fuck him, groaned helplessly and came inside of Jim again.  
  
  
They both kind of toppled down after that, Jim landing on top of Leonard, who leant back into the wall and pulled him into his arms.  
  
Jim ended up half straddling Leonard, his head on his shoulder, his breath only slowly calming down, Leonard's hand petting his hair.  
  
  
"Come and find me again," Leonard's broken voice whispered into Jim's hair. "I'll be waiting. God, please come to me again."  
  
  
"I will," Jim promised quietly. "I will."


	7. Day Fifty-Nine

He couldn't be sure, but the hit that woke him up felt harder, this time.  
  
No coffee, no underwear, just the run to the bridge. He was still pulling down his tunic while already barking orders.  
  
He only recognized how frightened he had been when he saw Spock right where the Vulcan should be. His wide, happy grin made the Commander raise his eyebrows to new heights, but Jim really couldn't help it.  
  
  
He didn't try to hail the fuckers again. He took the time to inform the crew, saying roughly the same he had last time, only it was fifty-nine now, and just him, not 'core crew'.  
  
  
Then he told Sulu and Chekov to handle the fight, dictating to science and engineering the energy core shield, the personal shields - those were time-critical - and the handheld spacetime shredders, told them how to modify the torpedoes and ordered Sulu to hold back on those as long as he could.   
  
  
Then he assembled the away team, including suicide bombs. For a long moment he stared at Spock, alive and well, and found that he just couldn't send him. He grimaced and choked out,  
  
"Mr. Spock. Last loop you were forced to end your own life to avoid being questioned."  
  
Spock squared his shoulders and tilted his head.  
  
"I understand. I would prefer to go, nonetheless."  
  
  
Jim's eyes skipped to Nyota, who didn't react at all, of course, and back to Spock.  
  
"How likely is it that anybody will get any information from you before this suicide thing kicks in?"  
  
"Impossible, Captain. I have every confidence there."  
  
  
Jim nodded helplessly.  
  
"Alright then."  
  
He walked with Spock to the transporters, the Enterprise lurching now and again.  
  
  
He tried to brief Spock on everything, his brain working overtime. Scotty had had suggestions on where to find other critical hardware and information about the buildup of the enemy vessel.  
  
  
In the transporter room he gave his short pep talk again and added,  
  
"Now, last loop some of you were killed. You're standing here again, though! Don't be afraid! This is not the last loop we will experience, and your lifes will not really end!"  
  
They nodded, some even more spooked, others relaxing.  
  
  
Spock touched his arm for a second and said,  
  
"Captain, we will be back. This way or the other."  
  
Jim smiled tightly and ran back to the bridge.  
  
  
He really didn't like how much the Enterprise was being hit.  
  
The bridge was a jumble of voices, all very professional, but under pressure, of course.  
  
Jim told his crew about Scotty's one-time-only energy core blast and gave precise orders about when to use it.  
  
Then he hailed Scotty and Bones for reports; neither wasn't too bad. Bones' voice was balm to Jim's soul.  
  
  
Chekov and Sulu were dancing their deadly waltz with the Enterprise, and the away team beamed back material in bursts, obviously with more success than last loop.  
  
  
Jim tried to keep on top of everything. This loop was less than an hour old. Sulu had to resort to the modified torpedoes before the hour ticked over and Jim had science modify their shields again.  
  
  
Then he saw the fiery, whitish bright explosions of the torpedoes that had annihilated the Dogators last loop simply bounce off their new shields. His hands clawed at the armrests of his chair.  
  
This was one of his worst case scenarios.  
  
  
"Chekov, have the core blast prepared! Uhura, get the away team back here! Sulu, report!"  
It was bad. Way worse than he had hoped. He closed his eyes for a second. If they had to explode the energy core now, they wouldn't have that option in the next loop.  
  
  
The only thing left to do then would be to beam the whole crew of the Enterprise over onto the enemy ship and fight for their bare lives over there. All of them against all of the Dogators.  
  
Either that or surrender. That depended on the findings of the away team. Who knew how many Dogators there were, and how good they were in a fight. The information from the last raiding team hadn't been very detailed.  
  
  
After a long moment Chekovs tight voice reported,  
  
"Keptin, we have the signals of all team members, but the transporters are unable to lock on them."  
  
  
Jim winced and said,  
  
"When we blast the energy core, their shields will be the first thing to go. Try your best to get them in that tiny moment, Chekov."  
  
"... aye Keptin." Chekov jumped up to run to the transporter room.  
  
  
The away team had 24 members.   
  
Jim took a deep breath and said,  
  
"Uhura, have the team prioritize their return, focusing on personal experience with the enemy and gathered information, and relay the transportation order."  
  
It felt awful to order something like that. But her calm "Yes, Captain" felt like absolution all over again.  
  
  
The fight went on for long, desperate minutes. Jim checked the clock; just two hours of this loop, and already so many crewmen lost, so much damage to the ship. Engineering reported that the last idea to get the away team back through the Dogators' shields had failed.  
  
  
Jim ordered Scotty and Sulu to destroy their own energy core right into the faces of the stupid dog-snouts.  
  
  
It hurt his Lady, the whole hull groaning, their beautiful ship bucking under the pressure wave.  
But the Dogators were destroyed once more.  
  
  
Jim closed his eyes and waited for the report from the transporter room.   
  
Eventually Pavel’s voice told him,  
  
"Keptin... we have Commander Spock, Lieutenant Serkin, Ensign Gregorius and Crewman Sadamoto." He could hear the kid inhale shakily. "None of the others made it, Keptin..."  
  
  
Jim let his head hang and pulled himself together enough to praise Chekov calmly,  
  
"Good job, kid. Don't worry. We'll have them all back tomorrow."  
  
He stood up and called for the briefing.  
  
  
  
  
All eyes were staring at him. It took three hours now to relay all major data to his crew. The more detailed findings, theories and ideas weren't even in there yet.  
  
  
And Jim's mind was also full of all the other stuff.   
  
The allergies of Ensign Bernard in Provisioning. The surprise birthday party plans for Mark from Security. Wasmuth's hidden tribble on deck nine.  
  
  
And even if he just told them the barest facts, it still took longer to destroy the Dogators.  
  
He ended with Scotty's warning that the Dogators would have countermeasures against the core blast in the following loop.  
  
  
Spock and Angela were the ones to present the away team’s report, and they at least had good news. Although the dog-snouts would probably have countermeasures against the Enterprise's personal shields and handheld weapons in the next loop, the humans would most probably still have the upper hand.  
  
"Estimated 78.3 percent propability, Sir," Spock said.  
  
Angela talked about how the Dogators seemed to be reluctant to resort to violence, and while that might change, too, Nyota and her team thought it to be some kind of cultural imperative, so it would take a while, if the Dogators changed that at all.  
  
Of course everybody could wear protective masks against the drug powder. And even though the enemies were bigger and taller, Spock said,  
  
"Their bones are able to resist even less pressure than humans bones. Or, simply said, they are quite fragile."  
  
  
Jim took over the meeting again and decided to do the all-crew boarding of the enemy ship next loop, with a self-destruction of the Enterprise to top it off.  
  
  
All those people, staring at him, all this trust. Nodding and pressing their lips together tightly.   
  
Some grasped hands with others, some looked furiously into space, probably already imagining the killing of Dogators.  
  
  
There would be a sixtieth loop. There might not be a sixty-first.  
  
  
  
  
The rest of the loop went by in a whirlwind of activity.   
  
Very early that morning Jim went to Bones' quarters. He knocked and was called in immediately.  
  
  
Bones raised both brows and asked,  
  
"Do you need something? The loop skips in what, four hours?"  
  
"More or less..."  
  
Jim looked at the floor and gathered all the courage he had. Then he gazed at Bones, who was looking at him with concern and, yes, there it was again, that hidden longing.  
  
  
"Listen, Leonard... things happened in the other loops."  
  
Bones crossed his arms and stared at him, his lips tight, his brow furrowed.  
  
  
Jim stared back and watched Leonard's eyes widen as he whispered,  
  
"I'm yours. You told me to come to you every loop and tell you. And, and tell you if I felt bad or anything."  
  
  
Jim searched for anything else to say and Bones just fucking stared.  
  
"Uhm, you told me to call you Leonard, and, God, sometimes you don't..." Jim's voice grew softer and softer, "sometimes you don't let me come..."  
  
  
Leonard was in front of him the next moment, burying both hands in Jim’s hair and staring into his eyes. Jim had to grin openly when he saw the absolute absence of self disgust and sorrow in Leonard's expression.  
  
"Shit, Jim..."  
  
The grin just wouldn't dissipate and Jim felt wonderfully free.  
  
  
"I did it!" he whispered. "Last time I told you I did a horrible thing, and you were so kind, and you punished me, and told me to come and tell you again, and now I  _did_."  
  
  
Slowly Leonard started to grin back; it was a darker grin, though, promising.  
  
"And? What do you need this time? A reward?"  
  
The grin turned into a smile, and Jim would have been embarrassed, had it been anyone but Leonard.  
  
"I would really like to make you feel good. Maybe I could suck your cock?"  
  
  
He tried to keep the smile up as he slowly continued,  
  
"I might not be able to get us out, Leonard. I might lose this. This... this is my personal Kobayashi Maru."  
  
  
Leonard tucked him into his arms.  
  
"Jim, you work well under pressure. If you fail, I am very sure that there would have been no way at all to win this. For anyone. But you have luck on your side, always have."  
  
  
Jim snorted.  
  
"Yeah. We'll see."  
  
It was comfortable to embrace Leonard like this, although Nyota's hugs had been even better. So after a moment he mumbled.  
  
"Now, about my reward?"  
  
  
Leonard looked around and went to his guests' chair to sprawl into it. He opened his own fly and said, hestitantly at first, but quickly gaining the usual confidence,  
  
"I want you to be naked, while you do it. And no hands. And you're not allowed to touch yourself."  
  
  
Jim hissed a happy "Yess!" and started to throw away his clothes. When he was fully naked he posed a bit for Leonard, who teased his own erection very lightly. His dark looks felt like caresses, and Jim had never felt better in his own skin.  
  
  
He sank down on his knees and crawled to Leonard’s seat, already licking his lips, saliva gathering on its own.  
  
Then he opened his mouth and took Leonard in, savouring his long moan and showing off not only his general cocksucking skills, but also his knowledge of Leonard’s cock.  
  
  
Which Jim just loved. Long and slightly curved, not too thick and deeply red. Somehow the aftershave scent was noticeable even down here, but what really filled his nose was pure, clean Leonard.  
  
  
Jim closed his eyes and sucked and licked and just couldn't get enough. He relaxed and deep throated him as often as he could, secure in the knowledge that his voice would be fine the next day.  
  
  
Leonard was mumbling encouragements and praise, and Jim felt wonderful hearing it.  
  
"Such a desperate little cocksucker," Leonard growled. "Such a wanton little slut. I bet you need to suck cock at least once a day, hmm? Would you like that? Such a good boy. And your voice perpetually fucked up for all the crew to hear it..."  
  
  
Jim moaned around Leonard’s erection and gulped down spit and pre-ejaculate. He opened his eyes again and gazed up at him. He had both hands in fists on his own thighs, and he knew his eyes were watering a bit from the deep throating. He also knew how bright they seemed when wet.  
  
Still, while everybody loved the look, nobody had ever looked at him with as much amazement or as much secure ownership.  
  
  
"Mine!" Leonard growled. Jim indicated a nod and blinked slowly, showing off all his devotion. Finally Leonard’s hands grabbed Jim’s hair and forced him to take him all in again, not letting him breathe or even choke, just fucking his throat.  
  
Jim closed his eyes again and hummed in appreciation.  
  
  
Leonard howled helplessly and ejaculated into Jim's throat, deep enough that he didn't even taste much of it, swallowing frantically.  
  
Then Leonard collapsed into the seat and Jim leant back a bit, licking his lips, his desperate erection bobbing against his hard belly for a moment.  
  
  
Leonard just stared for a while, his breathing calming down slowly.  
  
"You," he whispered at last, "are a wet dream come true."  
  
Jim grinned proudly and didn't make any comment on that. And then he grinned even more, proud of the fact that he'd refrained from talking back.  
Something softened in Leonard’s gaze.  
  
  
He ordered calmly,  
  
"Go get the lube."  
  
Jim pursed his lips, his gaze darting around. He hadn't ever actually seen Leonard get it. Well, it was probably near the bed. He crawled in that direction, wiggling his ass in the air.  
  
  
Leonard snorted.  
  
"No, desk drawer. Apparently I've spoiled you, hmm?"  
  
Jim threw him a shy grin and crawled to the desk. Leonard swiveled his chair to keep watching him and grumbled,  
  
"And I fucking love your obedience. All silent, hmm?  _Such_  a good boy. Knows exactly what his mouth is for."  
  
  
Jim had to stop for a second, close his eyes and inhale sharply. Then he wiggled on. Leonard raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Oh, did that turn you on? Well then. When you come back here, I’ll explore that pretty cock of yours and play with it for as long as I like."  
  
  
Jim was behind the desk now, rummaging through the drawer and finding the lube. He couldn't help a quiet "Shit!" that escaped his lips when he heard Leonard say that.  
  
So he had the idea to carry the lube with his mouth. He  _was_  brilliant, after all.  
  
  
Leonard smirked hugely when he saw that.  
  
"If you're a good boy I might even make you come. If not, maybe I'll have you turn around and give you a spanking, hmm? And then I'll just play with your hole instead."  
  
  
Jim felt his eyes cross for a second and his crawl lost any grace. Leonard chuckled.  
  
"Come here. Hop on. One arm around my shoulders, the other hand on my knee, both your legs to this side."  
  
  
It was a comfortable position, although Jim thought that he would get too heavy after a while. For now though, the chair was perfect. He snuggled his head onto his own arm, the top of his head touching Leonard’s cheek. This way he could watch his own erection.  
  
  
Leonard was a physician, after all. His hands so very soft, his touch gentle and knowledgeable.  
  
  
It was some kind of torturous massage, really. It kept Jim on the brink of orgasm the whole time. He could see his own belly twitching, his thighs cramping up and relaxing again, and Leonard’s strong hands manhandling him with determination and without any mercy.  
  
  
Sometimes Leonard stared at him in wonder, and Jim was so proud of himself that he didn't beg or try to make Leonard do Jim's will.  
  
  
In the end, Jim was near sobbing again, and suddenly the lust spiked up and the orgasm was so intense that Jim nearly passed out.  
  
  
Leonard kept him in his arms, though, and drew his face into a wet, sloppy kiss.  
  
  
If it had been just himself, Jim wouldn't even have found it such a waste to die tomorrow, after this. But he had to save Leonard. And all the others.  
  
  
They snuggled up for sleeping again, and Jim savoured every second.


	8. Day Sixty

"We are under attack! Red Alert! All Alpha shift personnel to their stations!"

The whole Enterprise shook like a leaf in a storm. Jim had to grasp for walls a few times to avoid a tumble to the floor on his way to the bridge. 

 

Once there he barked out the sequence of orders and core information, then he rattled off the data for science and engineering, while Chekov and Sulu juggled everything new those stations spit out on Jim's orders.

 

Finally, no more than fifteen minutes into the loop, he took the time to punch in an all crew hail. His ship bucked all around him like an angry horse and his crew was fighting efficiently.

 

"This is the Captain speaking. We are trapped in a time loop, this is the sixtieth time I am experiencing this particular day. We will not be able to keep the Enterprise from being destroyed. And we need to take over the time loop mechanism of the enemy vessel. Prepare for an all crew boarding mission, and prepare to fight! 

"We will go over there, kill as many of them as we can, take over their ship and free ourselves from this trap.  
Be advised: The enemy is a telepathic race, culturally reluctant to use direct, face-to-face violence, technologically more advanced in some aspects and behind us in others. They have powdered drugs and will use those against us, so oxygen masks are mandatory.

"They are also, as Commander Spock put it last loop, fragile and easy to break. Do not hesitate! If this race destroys us today, they will push further into Federation space, and we have no means to warn anyone. Either we destroy them or they will become the most imminent threat to our homeworlds, more dangerous than any other race we have ever fought.

"I have worked closely with all of you on planning this strategy, even if you do not remember doing so. I have the utmost confidence in my crew, I have seen you work together beautifully, and I happen to know of all of your determination and competency by experience.

"We are defending the whole Federation today! We are defending our home! And we! Will! Not! Fail!

"Kirk out."

 

The bridge held their collective breaths for half a second. Then the frantic activity resumed.

All stations reported countdowns in regular intervals. Jim didn't even bother with the modified torpedoes or the core blast, he just got every crewmember armed to the teeth, the best fighters getting the hastily assembled personal shields and spacetime shredders, while he had everyone else build up the newest version of the core shields.

 

"Estimated time for all crew of decks two to eight to be ready for boarding: twelve minutes!" someone reported.

"Security reports ready for boarding, Captain!" Nyota’s voice.

"Scotty says: countdown for automated shield fluctuation: sixteen minutes, thirty seconds!" Engineering.

 

Two redshirts sprinted onto the bridge and handed out brand new shredders and shields, clicking on waistbelts for those who couldn't spare a moment and just sat up a little for the redshirts to equip them.

 

Jim clicked his own belt closed and snarled,

"Chekov, prepare the self-destruction of the Enterprise. Program the auto-pilot to ram the enemy vessel as brutally as possible, if one of us triggers it from over there! She's our last resort!"

"Aye, Keptin!"

 

Spock stood up to click his own belt closed and reported,

"Estimate ten minutes and eighteen seconds until all security team leaders are equipped with the new technology."

 

Chekov spit out a vicious curse and Jim's quick look showed him that Sulu and Chekov had split up the helm and the weapons array to get them through this for a little longer.

 

The Enterprise took a bad hit to the belly, and Jim closed his eyes as his heart lurched. 

He had seen the trajectory. He did not need to hear Uhura’s voice to know which sections on which decks had been hit.

Medbay.

Uhura rattled off the damage and then her voice grew tight.

"Captain, and we are losing pressure on deck eight. There’s a malfunction with the emergency sealing, and there are crew trapped behind-"

He didn't hear the rest through the white noise in his ears.

That fucking door.

And ultimately, it didn't matter. They wouldn’t be able to make it out of the loop this time anyway, even if they had the amazing luck to make it to the mechanism.

He would probably have to see Medbay cease to exist again and again for a long time from now on.

 

"Shields at eleven percent, Captain!" Sulu's voice.

Then another hit. Reports of being ready to board and Jim snarled out the order,

"Begin boarding! Beam as many as quickly as you can! Chekov, how are we on the autopilot trigger!"

"I'm working on it, I'm working on it!"

Another hit, shields flickered off, the hull groaning.

 

Spock rattled off his confirmation code of the self destruction, Jim followed suit.

Bridge crew abandoned their stations in controlled bursts, running to the transporter rooms.

Another hit. They could hear the hull breaching somewhere, some crewmembers glanced up for a second, but the bridge was still under pressure.

 

Uhura reported the lost sections and her voice was unnaturally calm,

"The route from the bridge to the transporter rooms is still safe, Captain."

"Alright!" Jim grinned fiercely. "Abandon the ship, people, kill the fucking dog-faces!"

 

Sulu spit out a curse and exchanged a heavy look with Chekov who reported,

"Autopilot failure, sir!"

 

He could see it on the screen and looked around dazedly, walking back to his chair. 

 

Sulu was staring fiercely at Chekov, who snarled back at the helmsman,

"You are ze fighting one!"

Sulu pressed his eyes shut and his lips together. Then he jumped up from his station, Chekov gliding into it gracefully. The helmsman grabbed Jim's arm and choked out,

"Pavel will fly her! We need you over there!"

 

It was only them now, Pavel, Hikaru, Nyota, Spock and him. He glanced around, Enterprise's voice calmly counting down.

One last look at Pavel’s curls, then they were all running to the transporter room, putting on their oxygen masks with steady hands.

 

They saw others being beamed away, already in fighting positions, and the crewman who had manned the transporter station jumped up onto the pad now, too, a phaser set to kill in each hand.

Pavel’s voice came over the intercom.

"Onto ze pads, please! You will materialize somewhere in ze upper middle of ze ship, zere are crewmembers in ze same corridor behind you, slowly backing down in your direction. Good luck!"

 

Jim had just drawn his weapons, shredder in one hand, phaser in the other, and activated his shield, and already Enterprise was fading.

In that one short, slow moment, they heard the hull breaching right beside them and Pavel Chekov screaming in utter, furious rage.

 

That was it. The hull. Chekov. 

Jim clung with all he had to the belief that he not only still had to listen to Sulu dying, but also to Bones saying his last goodbye, and since Bones was already dead in this loop, there just had to be another.

 

They materialized in a high, narrow, light green corridor that grew wider to the ceiling, where some kind of big, glittering bugs were skittering around. Behind them crewmen shouted their relief at receiving backup and warned them that right around one of the zig-zagged corners in front of them dog-snouts were preparing to come at them again.

 

Jim activated his comm and hailed Scotty, his voice muffled from the mask.

"Was the mechanism at the coordinates you guessed last loop?"

There were interferences, but he could understand his chief engineer well enough.

"Negative, Capt'n! These stupid dogs don't have any logic in their designs!"

 

The boarding groups had engineers spread through them, so that enough security could cover them while they searched the ship.

 

Thomas hailed him and reported,

"Captain! We’ve found the bridge!"

But then there was screaming in the background and his old friend Cupcake said, suddenly completely calm,

"We can’t hold position. Claudia said the mechanism wasn't here, before they got her."

Jim closed his eyes. He knew what Thomas would say after that.

"Permission to detonate, sir?"

That team was one of the few with suicide bombs.

 

Jim just said,

"Granted."

Then he closed the connection.

 

The Dogators came around the corner, throwing little white lights that tore through everything around them: messy, cruel weapons. They couldn’t break the personal shields, though, while theirs took only three or four hits with the shredders to fail.

 

Where the white blast-lights tore through, they left behind trails of steam that hampered visibility and felt sticky and cold where it touched skin.

 

Suddenly the Dogators' ship did a curious sideways lurch, and Jim heard Uhura trying to hail the Enterprise, to no avail.

 

When they had killed the whole group on that side of the corridor, the men behind them were still firing. Someone cursed,

"God, there has to be a nest over there somewhere!"

 

Spock said,

"Captain, we need to advance further into the middle of the ship. If Mr. Scott's original coordinates failed and the mechanism is not located on the bridge, either, we might be successful there."

"Lead the way, Spock!"

 

The Dogators' ship was still lurching to the side, somehow, and they had to kick off of the corridors' walls a few times to keep running on the completely sloped surface under them, sometimes jumping over dead Dogators or slashed up crewmates.

Spock was ahead, Sulu staring at his PADD behind him, buildup scans flashing over its monitor, lending them further orientation. 

 

They passed another corridor to their right and, now, upwards from them, where damaged paneling let off sparks and otherwise darkness and steam reigned. Spock and Jim were already aiming at the movement there when Bones' voice suddenly called,

"Goddammit don't shoot!"

Spock just lifted his weapon and ran further ahead. Jim’s weapon sank slowly, instead, and every noise faded, time growing slower.

 

Bones was bleeding from a cut on his brow, but otherwise he was just fine.

"Leonard..." Jim croaked.

 

Uhura passed him by, as did two other crewmembers Jim didn't really notice, and Bones was lifting his arm to shield his face from the sparks, running downwards to Jim.

"Motherfucking crotch-sniffers!" Bones yelled and skidded to a halt at Jim’s side, grabbing his arm for balance. Then he asked,

"Where's Scotty, did he find anything? I lost my team behind me, and I didn't have a comm to begin with and, shit, Jim, are you hit?"

 

Jim just stared at him, Bones' frantically beginning to sweep him for injuries. He wasn't wearing a belt or a mask, but he was alive.

"Leonard..." Jim croaked again. "I thought... sick bay..."

 

Bones' white face grew tight and he grimaced for a second.

"Yeah, wasn't there. Dumb luck. Should've been there, but-"

 

Ahead of them, shooting began anew. Jim clawed both hands into Leonard’s arms and beseeched him,

"Leonard, I'm yours, I'm yours, don't ever leave me!"

 

Bones' eyes grew big and he stared breathlessly for a second. Then he yanked Jim into his arms and pressed him against his chest so hard it hurt.

"I won't. God, Jim."

 

Around the zig-zagged corner there was cursing and fighting, and they needed to go. But the ice that spread in Jim's stomach was freezing him completely.

 

Bones' last words, croaked and helpless, as he had heard them when the Dogators had hit him before the loops started.

Had been an apology.

And now he knew what Bones was apologizing for.

Leaving.

 

Ahead of them, Nyota was suddenly screaming in animalistic rage and agony, but the sound was cut off just a second later. Jim and Bones jumped apart and ran.

 

There was so much dark green blood on the walls. And Nyota was just standing there, drenched in it, her lower half standing in steam, and a tiny part of Jim was thankful not to be forced to see or smell what was under that steam.

Nyota stared in front of her, her lips moving, but no sound coming out.

 

Jim took her earpiece and tried to hail Scotty.

No response. 

 

He ran further ahead where he had heard more fighting just a moment ago, Bones right behind him.

He tried to hail Keenser and Louis and Mary and rapidly went through the whole engineering roster. No answers.

 

Bones cursed behind him, the fear in his voice palpable.

Then there was steam again, and Sulu sitting in the corner of the sloped floor and the tilted wall, surrounded by dead Dogators. 

He was drenched in red, more of it bubbling out through his lips.

 

His eyes were big and shining with awareness. Jim crouched near him and touched his forehead. Hikaru tried to say something, desperately, but it just wouldn't work.

Only incomprehensible whispering came out, although Jim, staring at Hikaru's lips, could have sworn it was a name.

Pavel.

 

He looked Hikaru straight in the eyes and nodded, grinning fiercely, trying to convey the lie that Pavel was fine and would avenge them all, would buy them another time loop.

Hikaru tried to smile, failed, rolled back his eyes and just... died. And in that exact moment there were shots above him, a white, ice-cold explosion right behind his neck and Bones's shocked curse.

 

Jim was already jumping up while Bones was still falling, so he dove for him, trying to catch him, God, there was blood everywhere. They had hit Leonard right in his stomach, and the doctor tried to hold his middle while staring at Jim.

 

His eyes were full of horrible regret and deep, dark self-loathing. Bones' voice was breaking and Jim didn't, didn't, really didn't want to hear it,

"God, Jim, so sorry..."

 

Jim pulled Leonard against him, trying to keep him alive through pure, physical nearness, tore his gaze from him and stared at the Dogators standing right in front of them, clogging the corridor. Their weapons were lowered and they were shifting their weights, some of them tilting their heads, none of them shooting.

 

Leonard McCoy sighed his last breath and Jim shut his eyes tightly, pressed his face against Leonard's shoulder and screamed 

and screamed 

and screamed.

 

Finally he gasped for breath, and all around him, silence reigned.

His earpiece was emitting a hushed white noise, no one communicating on any human frequency. The stupid glittering bugs were still skitting along the ceiling, making small scratching sounds.

 

One of the Dogators took a step forward and crouched down a bit. Jim could have sworn he knew that snout. It was the one that had drugged Leonard so long ago.

Jim couldn't say anything. His whole body was in unbelievable pain. He just bared his teeth and snarled at the fucker, although he couldn't help the dry, painful sob that escaped his throat.

 

The Dogator emitted some kind of wave. A question, and this time it had actual words, not only concepts.

‘You are the Captain?’

Jim felt himself starting to shake. His brain refused to work, his world reduced to pure agony. He stared at the dog-snout, whose face started to blur wetly.

‘You are the Captain.’  
There was something like dawning surprise or reluctant recognition.

 

Another sob escaped Jim and suddenly he was screaming hoarsely,  
"GOD! Have you no mercy! Shoot me, damn you! Kill me already, PLEASE!"  
He could feel the fat tears starting to flow, and the pain spread even more.

 

Bones was so heavy in his arms, so warm, so well-known, and

dead.

 

Jim snarled at the dog-snout again and a new scream tore itself free again, fury and agony and then the Dogator lifted his weapon and


	9. Day Sixty-One

The echo of Jessica's voice woke him up. He was rolling out of his bed on instinct, gathering his clothing, and only slowly did the revolving of his stomach register and all activity cease.

 

His quarters. The comfortable smell of cold coffee from the mug on his desk, the still-new carpet and plastic paneling and his own, warm bed. The lights were low, the red alert silently flashing at the bottom of the walls and the Enterprise was not perceptibly moving at all.

 

From the corridor came the sound of the red alert, and the echo of the call for all Alpha shift personnel.

 

Jim walked to the bridge, dazedly, not hurried at all. Behind him, Spock's bootsteps came nearer, and the Vulcan fell into step beside him. Jim stopped and stared.

Spock lifted an eyebrow and started to say something, but shut his mouth again, frowning, visibly thrown.

 

Nyota came from the same direction, her steps hurried and her look impatient as she saw them.

"Come on, guys, on to the bridge!"

Jim pressed his lips tightly together and watched her.

 

Her ponytail swung with leftover momentum, her expression openly annoyed.

Jim heard his own voice croaking,

"Nyota."

The image was still burned into his brain, her hands lifted helplessly, her fingers drenched in dark, warm green.

 

Jim pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes and inhaled shakily.

 

They had a new loop. Had Pavel pulled out a miracle from somewhere again? Had the Dogators' ship exploded, too? And why weren't the fucking dog-snouts firing?

Jim nodded and tried to square his shoulders.

 

He was barefoot, only wearing his black undershirt and uniform pants. He turned on the spot and walked to the bridge. He could hear Nyota asking Spock,

"What's with him?"

 

They took the same lift and Jim couldn't help himself and stroked the shiny paneling at his side. His breath was still hitching now and then. Nyota said, quietly,

"Captain, are you alright? You're white as a sheet..."

Jim nodded, his mouth pressed shut again.

 

The door whooshed open and Tionne called,

"Captain on the bridge!"

Hikaru nodded at him, Pavel smiled brightly and Jessica stood up to be relieved by Nyota.

 

The Dogators' ship loomed on the main screen.

"Captain," Tionne started, but Jim lifted a hand and said,

"Pavel, an all crew hail if you will."

"... aye, Keptin!"

 

Jim sat down in his chair, looked at the enemy and slowly said,

"This is the Captain speaking."

 

He closed his eyes and had a little trouble going on, but pulled himself together, concentrating on the comfortable routine.

"We are currently trapped in a time loop. This is... this is the sixty-first time I am experiencing this particular day."

He swallowed and went on,

"Last loop started and ended with a fight to the death with the species that is right now not shooting at us. It is still unknown to me if we won the fight or not, but... most probably not, and even if we had, they would have had a very easy time defeating us this loop."

 

He took another deep breath, opened his eyes again and stared ahead.

"We will hail the enemy and, if possible, meet them to negotiate a ceasefire, or, if necessary, surrender. We tried our best for sixty loops, but we just cannot win this. We can't... win."

He could hear Spock inhaling deeply at his back, and he felt the bridge crew tensing up.

 

Jim's gaze fell to the floor and he ended quietly,

"Even if you don't remember, I have gotten to know you all very well in this. And I am deeply honored to have been your Captain.   
Kirk out."

 

He stood up again and started to rattle off the boarding team preparation data, although he couldn't reach his former speed. Science and Engineering started making notes with frantic haste, though, nobody saying anything.

 

Jim was in the middle of an equation when Nyota said,

"Captain, they’re hailing us. It’s an image..."

She threw it onto the main screen.

 

Nine humans in one row with five Dogators, each with one hand raised in greeting, above them the visual coordinates.

 

Jim blinked and tilted his head a little. Then he said,

"Nyota, send the same image back, please. Pavel, the code thing above their heads is coordinates on the planet you've found for emergency evacuations."

He turned slowly and said,

"Security, send Thomas, Stephen and K'Krat to the transporter room. Nyota, Hikaru, Ben, Spock, you're with me. Nyota, hail Bones, he's coming, too."

 

Tionne stiffened in salute until Jim waved it off. It took a moment for them all to be relieved, and Jim just couldn't walk quickly. He was dragging his feet. Someone had brought boots and a golden Captain's tunic to the transporter room, and Jim dressed, all his movements still so slow.

 

His away team was staring at him with bewilderment and something like frightened trust. Nyota cleared her throat, but it was Cupcake who asked,

"Captain, are you okay?"

Jim shook his head and stared at the doors, which swished open in that moment, letting in Bones.

 

Bones.

 

Jim shut his eyes; he could feel the grimace settling onto his face. Then he heard the medical scanner running at the side of his head and a short, rough laugh escaped him.

 

He stared at Bones' concerned, dark eyes and whispered,

"Leonard..."

Bones stared back at him and frowned deeply.

Jim tried a shaky smile and croaked,

"You died."

 

The scanner stopped and Bones hesitated a moment, then he insecurely, gruffly asked,

"Do you need a hug?"

 

Jim scoffed and shook his head, glancing at Nyota.

"No."

He squared his shoulders and gazed at all of them. Slowly the numbness ceased.

 

He nodded shortly and went up to the transporter pad.

"Listen up, people," he said, and his voice found its way back to his normal tones. "These fuckers are telepathic, highly advanced and so damn different that they are bloody dangerous."

 

For a second he thought about shredders and shields and masks. He stared at the floor and shrugged. His gut told him not to bother.

 

The Dogators were standing in a row, lifting their hands as Jim and his team came nearer. Jim had no idea what to say.

The snarly one that had shot him last loop tilted his head; otherwise no one moved. But they, well, 'said,'

'We learn, or we do not learn.'

 

Apparently they thought that conveyed all there was to say.

"Uhm," Jim said. "Okay?"

They shifted weights and said,

 

'You are the Captain. You lead. You did not learn. Then... you did learn.'

 

Jim blinked and frowned a little. He mumbled,

"Nyota, are you getting this?"

 

He saw her nodding out of the corner of his eye. She said quietly,

"They are noticeably talking to you, but I think we can all hear it."

 

Jim huffed a breath.

"And they’re saying that their people either have the ability to change or they don't, but nothing in between, and my being slow on the uptake was throwing them?"

 

Nyota nodded again and Spock said,

"That seems to be an adequate translation, Captain. They also conveyed the belief that you stand for all of us."

Jim was relatively sure that there was a veiled insult in there, somewhere.

"Alright!" he said louder. "I learned! It wasn't quite enough though, was it! You still thrashed us!"

 

'You filled.'

 

"Yeah! Wait. I what?"

Jim turned to his team, who seemed just as confused as he was. Thomas' gaze skipped over Jim’s middle, then he shrugged.

Nyota suggested,

"Ask them to elaborate, Captain!"

 

"Right. Would you please explain that?" 

Jim glared at the Dogators. All those horrible images and sounds were still dancing on eternal playback in the back of his mind, and the fucking dog-snouts wanted to play guessing games?

 

'You are no longer hollow. You have a marrow now.'

 

"A what?"

Nyota shushed him, to his annoyance.

 

'You learned respect. You learned to see into the dark places. You filled.'

 

Jim flinched. Respect. What had they said, so long ago? Learn respect or perish.  
He shook his head for a moment, put his hands on his hips, took a deep breath and stared at the ground.

 

"That's it? That's FUCKING IT?" He screamed at them, all his rage suddenly breaking through.

They shifted for a second, and the drug-thrower snarled soundlessly.

 

'You learned. We learned. You said: We can learn from each other.'

 

Jim tried to control himself, shaking with fury. Spock calmly asked,

"Captain?"

 

Jim croaked,

"You sent me through hell and back, made me send them to their deaths, made me watch them all FUCKING die, you goddamned, merciless motherfuckers-" A dry sob broke free. "-and I really, really thought that was it, no... no-win-scenario..."

He glared at them, his jaw working, his throat aching with unvoiced screams.

Nyota cleared her throat, and suddenly a warm, strong hand was on his shoulder.

Bones.

 

Jim closed his eyes, took a deep breath and squared his shoulders again. He could feel him at his back. Smell his aftershave.

The Dogators shifted and said,

'We wish to join your Federation. Negotiations?'

Jim nodded slowly and whispered,

"Yeah. Alright then. Negotiations."

He tried to look each and every one of them in their black, beady eyes. 

 

They sent their general agreement. No regret, no respect, just calm agreement. Jim kept himself from doing anything stupid, just tightened his lips into a fake, angry smile and turned to go, but all of them suddenly lifted their hands to their snouts and blew.

Agreement and gratitude, mixed with the concept of gift-giving and a tiny dash of amusement.

 

They had the wind on their side. The sparkling, nearly see-through powder spread all around them immediately.

Jim yelled,

"FUCK! Beam us back!"

 

The relief on board of the Enterprise could be seen, heard, felt in every corner. Chapel showed him the chemical composition of the drug, and yes, it was the aphrodisiac. He took the PADD from her and tried to brief his team, who were standing around the Medbay, without slurring his speech too much.

 

"Alright people. The fucking dog-snouts presented us with a drug, which is first and foremost an aphrodisiac. Previous experience says the best way to handle this is to go have sex with one’s partner or your own hand and then sleep it off. It may be unpleasant, but it’s probably not dangerous."

 

Bones looked long-suffering. Thomas seemed to be embarrassed, Stephen was grinning, K’Krat was still being examined and looked more tired than anything else; she had trouble keeping her eyes open.

Nyota was visibly furious and tense, Spock at her side unaffected, frowning a bit. One of the nurses was still checking him. Hikaru seemed sad, and Ben was with Stephen, trying his hardest not to grin.

 

Jim waved them off.

"Go on, have fun. Hikaru, Bones, stay behind, please."

He took his helmsman by the arm and pulled him to the side.

"Listen."

He stared at Hikaru, both of them sweating a bit already. Jim was searching for the right words, and in the end he just said it.

"Last loop, Pavel died. You died, too. And I saw and heard... well... you need to talk to him. Now."

Hikaru was looking at him with apparent disgust and hissed,

"He’s seventeen!"

"Yeah, and neither a virgin nor anything but badass, trust me. If he’s not interested, I swear, it won’t even hurt your friendship, which is, by the way, and you will forget I ever said so, really beautiful."

Now Hikaru was silently staring at him. Jim cleared his throat.

"Yeah. Anyway. Ask him for help. That’s an order."

Hikaru was searching his face insecurely and nodded slowly. A shy smile started around the corners of his lips, and then the helmsman was off with long, slightly careening strides.

 

Jim nodded, very satisfied with himself.

A hot feeling of dread crawled along his spine and he grabbed a nurse and told her when and how exactly to save Safra’s eyes and where somebody should really repair a fucking emergency seal door on deck eight.

It became harder to concentrate on anything.

 

Bones had talked to Chapel in the meantime and glanced at him now. He came over and Jim led them to the corridor, on the way to Bones’ quarters.

"Listen, lover," Jim said and snickered at hearing it. This drug was doing interesting things to him. Bones growled a curse and Jim hurried to say,

"Nononono, listen! You and I, Leonard, you and I, we’re beautiful."

 

They were making their way to Bones’ quarters very slowly, passing crewmembers now and then, but by now Jim was used to simply not caring what anyone saw. No consequences. Next loop everything would be forgotten.

"I’m yours, honey," he drawled. "Totally. You made me yours. Uhm, four times."

 

He clung to Leonard’s arm and whispered loudly into his ear,

"You like to make my orgasm yours to give or not to give. I wouldn’t even jerk off anymore without your permission."

Leonard groaned helplessly, the bulge in his pants obvious by now.

"And you really like my ass. And my mouth. You know, all yours, lover, do anything you want with either..."

Leonard punched in the code for his quarters and threw Jim inside.

Jim was laughing so hard that he nearly couldn’t hear Leonard locking the door.

"Is this a fucking joke to you?!" Leonard yelled.

Jim sobered up immediately.

"NO! God, I promise, no! You DIED, you fucker, you LEFT!"

Suddenly he was crying and very clearly hating the drug.

"Please, please take me, please Leonard..."

 

Leonard’s eyes grew big and he choked out,

"I’m here now..."

"Can I suck you?" Jim noticed the tears were gone again and frowned. "Huh."

 

Then he grinned, remembering what had always worked, and stripped. Leonard groaned again and started to shed his clothes, too.

 

Jim wasn’t all too clear about who jumped whom, but although he’d expected hard fucking and all the rough stuff Leonard liked, they ended up on the bed, face to face, Jim on his back, silently crying or quietly laughing and constantly touching Leonard’s face, while his lover moved slowly inside of him, mouth gaping open, dark gaze locked with his, and this time, Jim did lose consciousness when he orgasmed.

 

 

An old, upbeat jazz tune woke him up. Everything smelled like sex and Bones. Jim burrowed his nose into warm skin and felt the chest underneath his face vibrating with Leonard’s low, irritated grumble,

"Computer, alarm off."

The music faded away and Bones sighed contentedly.

 

The realization didn’t creep up on Jim this time, it didn’t blindside him or keep elusive. He just knew it like he’d always known but hadn’t dared to believe or even think through.

 

They were out. It was the next day.

 

He kept his eyes closed and tried so hard to keep together. But then Leonard mumbled at his ear,

"It’s alright, honey, I’m here. You’re mine. Everything will be fine."

And Jim just couldn’t help it. He cried messily, helplessly wailing, sobs wracking his whole frame. Leonard didn’t even seem to care, didn’t shush him, just kept him in his arms and whispered,

"That’s it. Let it out. Such a good boy."

 

It had taken ages for it to abate, but the shower they’d taken together had helped to erase most of the redness around his eyes. Jim felt stronger than ever before in his life, and the sheer happiness was so absolute that he somehow had trouble feeling it completely.

They were just debating what to eat for breakfast, Jim toweling his hair and sashaying through Bones’ quarters stark naked, when Nyota hailed them.

"Dr. McCoy, would you please tell the Captain that the ‘Dogators,’ as he calls them, have hailed us for negotiations?"

They shared a grin and Bones grumbled,

"Done."

**Author's Note:**

> Come find me on [tumblr](http://fanfuchs.tumblr.com/)! :)


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